Discussing the Duggers

I am very troubled by the information coming out on the Duggers. The information I have gathered is that a son inappropriately touched ( touched breasts ) of a female sibling(s) while she, or they slept ,and apparently nothing was done. There are reports that say that the son is viewed as a "victim" by the girls and the family. I have this information but I can not say any of it is true. What I find troubling is that there is a right and wrong way to handle these matters. First, any inappropriate touching of a sexual nature between kids is not to be ignored. Yes, young children may be curious between each other but the line is crossed if either child feels uncomfortable or if there is an age difference. Mr. Dugger being 15 years old and touching the breasts of a 5 year old is sexual molestation. Children that demonstrate sexual acting out must be evaluated to make sure that they themselves have not been abused or are in a setting where they are witnessing sexuality inappropriate for their age, including exposure to pornography. Sex between siblings, touching of sexual organs is not appropriate. This has to be addressed. If there are any doubts, see a professional. A pediatrician, a therapist, someone who works with children. Not all issues require the immediate phoning of the police. If a child is in immediate danger yes, you call 911. If you are not sure the child is being harmed , in Florida you call 1-800-96-ABUSE. Department of Children and Families will investigate. One has to get help for the child. I find this Dugger family very disturbing. They are the classic dysfunctional family. Too busy judging others but they have major dysfunction in the core of their family. My concern also is how conservative media such as FOX interview the family. It scares me that incest and sexual abuse are minimized and thereby condoned as appropriate or "normal" in some way. My heart also goes out to all the women and men who are survivors of incest and abuse. Many of these men and women have had years of treatment and may continue to be in treatment in order to deal with the abuse. Children need to be protected. We are the eyes, ears and hands to help children grow up to be healthy adults.

Reality Wasteland....

I had a professor in college make a joke about auto racing. He commented that he figured that spectators went and watched waiting for a crash. He talked about how he failed to see the point in going if it wasn't to see a fiery crash. I think of this comment as I see what television has become. I guess people watch just to watch the scandals associated with the demise of the shows. Wait long enough and there will be a sex related scandal that gets them off the air. Honey Boo Boo's momma dropped her husband and decided to date an alleged ( or not so alleged) sex offender, The Kardashians have had too many scandals to mention and continue to air dirty laundry, the Dugger's apparent mirage of clean laundry is unraveling and there is some really nasty stuff. These are just a few of the many scandals including divorces, prison sentences and dysfunction associated with television today. Have you wondered why you are watching or perhaps have chosen not to watch these so called reality shows? What is the attraction? Is it a way to compare our lives to others and perhaps feel superior? Honey Boo Boo's show was really sad. An American family that required subtitles in their own country, the mother taking her young daughter to pageants and dressing her up and having her wear make up to parade around and attempt to win prizes. There is really very little , if any value to watching such dysfunction. What happened to reading, crafts , and an other activity that does not involve watching a family totally embarrass themselves on television or highlight a family that feels it is acceptable to breed their own community. Are the Duggers at 19 children? 20? Really? As reality television became more popular, and labor was cheap, there have been less professional actors involved in the craft of entertainment. It just doesn't seem healthy to me. There are many more productive things, in my opinion, than to watch these sad, pathetic shows. The human mind needs challenge and like any muscle needs to be exercised. Sitting and watching dysfunctional families have breakdowns is just not healthy. Grab a book, go outside, listen to music expand your mind before it's too late.

Get Off The Phone!

I was somewhat impacted yesterday as I was riding around town, I couldn't believe how many people were on their phones on a Sunday morning! As I looked at cars that passed, I saw beautiful children in their cars with a parent on their cell phone. I am not even going to discuss the safety concerns, I am just highlighting the sadness of this all. Why are they on their phones? It's Sunday. Is it social, is it work? Really? As these cars passed, I saw these beautiful children just staring out the windows with blank expressions. Again, what is so important and why can't it wait? I remember being a kid and riding with my parents in their car. It seemed like a time to talk. Maybe we have some how lost the ability to talk to humans that are actually in the same physical space with us. What I witnessed yesterday seemed like lost opportunities to begin bonding with children. I see it in stores too, the parent, up ahead on the phone grabbing things from the isles, as kids follow. Relationships with your children are not established when they become teenagers and you want them to do as you say. They start at the birth of the child. Teenagers have told me many times that they have nothing in common with their parents and have never really talked or done things together ,so why then? The teenage years are a time for the child to grow and begin his/her development as an adult, the time to bond with children is when they are young. Most parents have to work and time left for family, for a married/committed relationship, children, is precious. Be more mindful of opportunities that present themselves. A Sunday morning drive is an opportunity to become more mindful of your surroundings and work on developing a healthy relationship with your companion, even if it's your family dog. Aren't they cute when they see something they like or just looking at you with adoring eyes? It's time to wake up and realize we have to put the phone down and look around. This is also an issue at bagel shops and bakeries, just get off the phone and pay attention!

Forgiveness and Lying

Turn on media, be it TV, Facebook or radio and everyone has an opinion on the Brian Williams issue. Statements I have heard are "he is the only one being punished for lying about the Iraq war." I find this logic troubling. When dealing with Mr. Williams we have to focus on the type of position he has, on the ethical expectations and requirements of his position. At this time we are not dealing with an elected official or any other professional. I assume that professional journalists are not amused or take this lightly since this affects the entire profession. While Mr. Williams has lied I think it's important to address what led to him lying. There are, I am sure, underlining issues that were present and may still be present which caused him, and causes others to do what he did. I actually saw a clip of the interview and it's interesting to see how he just went on and on embellishing the story. Of interest is Mr. Williams obvious good looks and it will be interesting to see what happens. He truly does not fit the stereotypical liar prototype, whatever that is for most people. Most people have prejudices of what a liar or "bad" guy may look like and Mr. Williams' features and "looks" are not what most people typically think of as "bad"or "liar." I will guess that we will be hearing more as time passes and that this will affect the way people perceive journalism and the media in general. All issues of lying are to be taken seriously. It is not appropriate behavior especially for professionals in esteemed positions. We need to trust and we need to trust professionals, all professionals. If people believe that more people need to be given consequences for inappropriate behavior or actions during and about Iraq then they should start grassroots groups and work toward change. We can not just let someone lie and let it be okay. Regarding the future, we can forgive Mr. Williams but he needs to do some personal work to correct any personal issues that he may have which prompted him to lie. We need to help Mr. Williams confront his demons. It will ultimately help him and even make him a better journalist and human being.

It's Important to tell the truth

It goes with out saying that one should not lie, but people do. Why? There are actually numerous reasons but people lie, usually, to avoid consequence or punishment. It is truly destructive to any relationship when there are lies. One's first question is, what have they lied about before? Suddenly, everything they have done or said is looked at through a different filter. I am obviously talking about lies as in not telling the truth. What triggered my thinking is this issue about Brian Williams, the television anchor. He apparently lied about being in a helicopter in Iraq that was fired at and that needed to land. Why, oh why, did he do that? I do not know him and can not answer the question. For some reason he made the story up. Perhaps he needed attention? It's not clear. Now there are other lies. The lies of deception and cheating. These can occur in any partnership including romantic, marital and even business. For some reason, be it childhood traumas or others, people cheat, steal and ultimately hurt other people. For the "victim" it becomes very challenging to trust others and it's not uncommon to see them unable to form healthy relationships for several years if ever. As I have written before, no person is an island and we influence and affect others by our actions. Many times the "hurter" may have suffered a childhood trauma. Perhaps there was abandonment, or they may have witnessed the same actions done by one parent to the other. I see people cheat on their spouses through the life span. I have had senior citizens that have cheated and have "stolen" the couples life savings. I say stolen because these marital assets belong to both and one person decides to take it all and sometimes even disappear. There some people that even give their lovers money. Again, these people that act poorly have low self-esteem because do you really need to pay people to be with you? I will say that for the senior citizens there was prior cheating in most cases. Again, the lying needs to stop but in some cases it never does because lies are created to cover up the initial lies. I have met with people who just can't stop lying and the longer they do this the worse the consequences are. For many people, the fear of consequences is great and they fail to see that it is only making the situation worse. People who have noticed a pattern of lying need to look back and explore how they started. What was the pattern of communication at home? Were they punished severely for lying and then admitting it? Once you have explored the origin then you can start on changing the behavior. Thinking before you speak so that you give yourself time to not immediately just tell a lie. Lying is the worst poison you can use to totally ruin a reputation or a relationship. Lying is not acceptable and no good will come of it.

The offensive F word.

It seems that when you mention the topic of Feminism, it makes people uncomfortable and you are instantly judged. Feminism is misunderstood. Feminism is not about hating men or meant to demean men and elevate the role of women. Feminism is about equality. It is about equality for not just women but for the entire society. When you encourage women to be educated they add value to the family system and eventually to the society as a whole. Feminism has been around for many years and the writings in feminist theory date back to the 18th century. The movement did not start in the 1960s with bra burnings and goes beyond such behaviors. The 1960s , with the civil rights movement, is when we saw women perhaps be more vocal and as any group seeking emancipation some behaviors may appear controversial or extreme because that is necessary in order to create change. Feminism is diverse and there are several theories. No two feminist are truly the same but the common thread is equality and again, this equality is for all. It's for society. We are currently still fighting for ERA amendment. I remember being in Junior High and hearing the debates. It does take time for change to occur. Currently, we see some changes and men benefit too. In my psychotherapy practice I have seen changes that benefit men that society would never have tolerated in the past, for example, 50/50 time sharing. It is common now for divorced fathers to have the ability to live with their kids more time than the traditional every other weekend. As we emancipate women, we see men benefit as well. In two income families where both parties work outside the home and assuming they live within their means, if one partner looses their job, the other income is there and there is less stress on men who were at one point the sole bread winner for the family. It saddens me that more women don't understand and at times fight feminism. I can understand that men may initially do so, since you really can not expect a man to understand what it is like to live as a woman. If you go on social media and look at the different sites it can be frightening to someone who believes in equality. There are sites where women express why they "don't need feminism" not understanding what feminism truly means to them, to their families and to society. As a feminist, I do get the weird looks and the questions. But as a Feminist and a therapist I also work with men. I help men cope with loss, and rebuild their lives, just like I do with women. Being a feminist therapist does not mean that I side with the women. No, I explore the dynamic of the relationship and make sure that the dynamic is functional and healthy. Again, Feminists are not men haters, we are just people that want to work on equality. Now, if you happen to meet a woman who hates men, that is just a woman who hates men, not necessarily a feminist, or perhaps a feminist that happens to hate men. Feminism is about building a better society for all.

Cheating, Sex, and money

First I think it's important to define these three things. What is cheating? Many people believe that cheating is one's partner having sexual intercourse with another person behind their back. Well, the true meaning of cheating is, any time that you do something that you hide from your partner, on purpose, that is cheating. There is financial cheating. That is when you buy something, shoes, computers, TVs, and don't tell your partner how much you REALLY spent. Oh, and that secret account you have? That's financial cheating. Now, those private messages you send that special friend of the opposite sex? Yes, those things you tell them, about your feelings, about how you really feel. That's emotional cheating. It's not just getting naked and going hog wild in a hotel room with a person not your partner, for it to be cheating. Now, I have technically discussed cheating, sex and money. Martial sex is supposed to be sharing of your bodies and soul. It is said that sex is a special gift not to be used or abused inappropriately. When you have an affair, any affair, you are taking energy that you should be putting in your relationship and placing it somewhere else. No duh, you feel your marriage gets boring, your spouse is a nag, because you have essentially checked out. Now money, it's mostly men, but some women do it, they take money and give it to the lover. Now, you are in essence taking something you and your spouse have worked for , something of value, and giving it to someone else. You are not just stealing from your spouse, you are stealing from your marriage. In essences, kicking it and devaluing it. Some may say that " I worked for that money" "my spouse doesn't work" "my spouse doesn't make as much money as I" Well, marriage is an agreement and bond where two people focus on building a live together, a nest. It's no longer about "ME" it is about "we". I find that the divorce rate keeps rising because people have forgotten what marriage means. It's us not you or me. We seem to be living in very "selfish times" Everyone wants money, status and material items. People appear to be disposable. It's almost like people are seen and treated like objects. Marriage seems like, you buy a young, shiny spouse in your 20's, build something in your 30s, perhaps have children and buy a house. By 40, they want another shiny lover, and bigger house. They essentially kick what they built, destroy and start anew in their late 40s. As a therapist I am beginning to see the cycle renewing in the late 60s into 70s. More and more people are leaving their marriages later in life. Some for the second time and some are leaving after having been "forgiven" affairs in their past by the same spouse they are leaving now. All life is valuable. People are not objects and are not disposable. Let's try and keep our humanity. Build up others' marriages, don't encourage ugly mother in law jokes, or joke because a man prefers to stay home with his wife instead of going out drinking with the guys. Let's support human connections and love. People should not really be starting fresh at 40. Broke at 40 or 50 is not cool. Destroying what you built and/or leaving kids in a broken family is not cool. Let's start to build each other up. Peace.