I have been recently bombarded with information about domestic abuse and violence. Sure, it's mainly because I subscribe to sites that provide me that information. So as I review all the information, and work with my clients, my brain works over time.
We all remember the childhood rhyme or expression " sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" ( I am not sure of the origin of this expression, please excuse my inability to cite it) but fast forward to adulthood and you hear many people , especially female "victims" of emotional abuse and you will hear, " I rather he took a stick and beat me up." Why, you may ask? Well, a broken bone is a real thing, it is reality, you have proof that you have been hurt, hit and "broken" otherwise you are not sure. There is a term "gas lighting" this is when one person in essence plays "mind games" and truly makes the other person feel they have lost their mind. "Crazy making" behavior we shall call it here.
Now there is chronic and acute "abuse". Chronic abuse is long-term. There is much damage done to the person living through this. Acute abuse is shorter term and many times may happen at the end of a marriage or long-term relationship and may be a tool used to cut the ties of the relationship. There are many reasons why relationships end and I could write about that at a later time. All abuse is abuse and hurtful. It not only takes some counseling but a strong desire and fortitude to get past it. And again, it's a process and the change does happen over time.
While I am writing about abuse, I only wanted to lightly touch on it because what I was really intended on writing about was what to call people who have lived through the experience.
Are they victims, survivors or something else? No, not sure what the something else would be.
There is a lot of shame for many people to admit they were abused. Abuse cuts through all socioeconomic levels and you may find that a CEO has lived through or may be living in an abusive household or relationship.
Shame and embarrassment isolate, which is also a tool used by an abuser. So the legacy of abuse continues. It does not have to continue, there is no shame and you can not control the behaviors of others, whether they are boyfriend, girlfriend or spouse. The fact that another acted poorly does not reflect on you. Loving and caring are not a weakness. Sure , a culture that promotes superficial, materialistic, and "tough" behaviors seems to weaken the concept of love and caring. A misogynist society feminizes it and thereby lowers the status of love.
Having had "abuse" in your life is a bad thing that happened but it does not have to define you, stain you or weaken you. Get help. Individual counseling, support groups, books , all are good. Most people who seek one source many times discredit them because "no, not me, that wasn't abuse" thoughts enter your mind. It is hard to acknowledge that a person you cared for abused or is abusing you. The abuser also tells the person they are abusing that " it's not abuse. "
Be well and take care of yourself. Do not close yourself off to friends and family, it is OK to have friends and to spend time with them.
Peace and love! Thanks for reading.
