"I will let the judge decide"

 As a Parenting Coordinator and in my work in co-parenting counseling, I work with parents who are in high conflict and have difficulty following the parenting plan post-divorce or separation. 

Divorce is traumatic for people, add parenting and co-parenting, and the stress increases. In addition, it is difficult communicating with the person you are in the process of divorce/separation. These situations have clogged the Courts, and the reason parents are referred to Parent Coordinators or for counseling, whether individual or family, is because judges do not want to make the decisions for your family. It is truly not their place, and they are referring you so that you learn the skills to help your particular child/children. 

Please do not believe that a judge is the best person to decide what is best for your children. You had these children, and they are a part of you. You may be angry with your co-parent ( the other parent), but at the end of the day, you two are the best qualified to decide and make the decision for your offspring. 

Granted, I am generalizing, and there are unique issues that may prevent a parent from deciding. Still, the ones that I am referring are divorced/separated who are angry at their former partner and, in anger, say, " I will let the judge decide."

If anger controls your communication style, your ability to co-parent, please seek help. 

Help may come as a support group for separated and divorced or individual counseling. In addition, large employers have a service called Employee Assistance Program ( EAP). You can learn more about them from your Human Resource Department. This free service connects you with counselors familiar with your particular issue.

I recommend seeking counseling/help because you will be co-parenting until your children are 18 years old and even further. So please, seek help to better communicate with your child's other parent.  

Once again, thank you for reading.  

Hello

 People that know me have probably heard me say " technology is not my friend" 

I have no idea how I am back here but I am. Yay! We must celebrate since  I have no idea when I will be back. Not that I don't want to or that I don't pay the Google fee but I can't get in sometimes. 

Well, I am here now and will rejoice. My blog entry today is not about this, by the way.

So, I do spend a lot of time in my head and have accepted my nerdiness in my "old age"

What I really was musing about this morning was, how we generally believe it's both parties' fault when a relationship breaks up. Is it, though? I have recently been researching trauma, intergenerational and historical trauma.  That got me thinking. 

Why do we select the partners we do? 

Could it be?

it's time to get married

It's time and I want babies

I need to leave my situation

I want a green card

He/She/They are cute, hot, sexy...... 

Ask anyone and they will have a reason. They may tell you or not but there was some dynamic going on. 

What we rarely know, especially if when we are young, is what trauma the person may have survived, and how it has affected them.  

We, adults, know that children experience trauma. Sexual abuse, neglect, abandonment are just some of the big Ts ( Big Traumas) and there are the little ts too- smaller traumas. 

Not everyone that experiences trauma will suffer from a psychological condition but how that trauma was dealt with influences the person. 

Sometimes you meet people who tell you their life was and is perfect. They had an ideal life, and you know what? They may have but most people don't since "perfection" does not exist. So, be aware of those that profess to be perfect. 

Historical trauma is more of cultural trauma. It's trauma from situations such as refugee experiences, segregation, and the like. 

Intergenerational trauma is when those lived experiences are not worked through psychologically and the trauma is passed on through generations. How? Well, the survivors of the trauma are psychologically affected thereby reacting. What can happen is poor parent-child bonding and various other issues that affect the child and this can move generation to generation. 

Now, when it's time to select a partner, people either want what they know, want different, or settle for what's around. 

Needless to say, each partner has a lot of baggage that we all carry. 

Something we say in trauma-informed care is - we don't ask " what is wrong with you?" we ask " what happened to you?" 

At some point in relationships, you have to make the relationship be the focus over the interests of the partners. We need need to balance and care for each other. The 50/50 may go to 100/1 for a brief time and that is ok- or any variation of that, as long as it's not there all the time. We need to focus on our growth and awareness of our history and how it affects us today. That goes to understanding our partners' as well. 

We select who we select and many times are not aware of traumas. So, is it fair to place the demise of a relationship on both partners? Let me know what you think.

This is not also in romantic relationships but in our friendships as well. We can be kind. Kind to ourselves and others. 

Let's sprinkle a little kindness in our lives this week. 

Thank you for reading. Let me know your thoughts and hope to be back soon.