Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Happy New Year

Just a few more days left of 2011. At this time of the year, people set out to make changes and plan on new year resolutions for 2012. While change is good, it is important to remain realistic about change and set realistic short and long term goals. It seems like gyms are packed the first week of January and empty by February. Be realistic and be forgiving of relapses in your plans. It's ok to mess up as long as you "get back on the wagon". You may even want to start your goals early, prior to January 1st. Think of life style change, change for the positive. For example, to live healthier, not just to lose weight. If you start an exercise plan, just follow your plan, go for the walk but don't weigh yourself everyday. Change is difficult and seeing results will take time. Enjoy life, and have a great New Year!
Since we are on the topic of change. In June of this year, after 10 plus years of indoor cycling, I took it outside. I became a cyclist. Funny, that was barely a thought in January. Now in February, I plan on completing a century ride. In cycling lingo that means that I will be doing a 100 mile ride. It is a fundraiser. Again, change can happen at any time, as long as you are open to the process.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving

Yes, Happy Thanksgiving. A day to focus on our blessings and be grateful for what we have. It is not "turkey day" but Thanksgiving. If you are breathing, sitting up, lying down, conscious, have a large family, a small family, no family but have friends, have a good nurse at your side, whatever your situation is, look at the blessings. Even is one is dying with someone next to you at the hospital room you are blessed to have someone love you to the very end. The key to happiness, as I say, is to see and focus on what our blessings are, on what we do have and not what you think you should have. So you don't have a Ferrari but the xxyy car ( whatever you drive) takes you to see your family/friends....be grateful!!!!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

emotions and health

One's state of mind is as important as one's physical state. Our thoughts, and our self talk is as important as what we use to feed our bodies. Many people focus on calories, fat content and the like as if that alone was going to keep them healthy. Eating healthy portions of healthy foods is important but we also have to learn to keep our emotions in check. Being quick to anger, and holding grudges, lacking a sense of forgiveness also affects your health. As they say, "skinny people have heart attacks". Sure, it's related to genes but look at how you feel, keep your anger in check, work on communication with others and focus on complete health, not just your dietary constraints and habits.
Ideally, it's important to maintain good, healthy habits which should include, spiritual, physical, emotional, and intellectual growth.
Be well, Keep Healthy!

Monday, September 19, 2011

See a therapist? But I am not crazy!

Many times when a parent or a spouse requests that their relative join them in or suggest counseling, I hear that the person responded that they are not crazy, and only crazy people go to therapy.
Well, first, what is craziness? Besides, to go to therapy/counseling you are going to a place where you have to identify concerns or issues and it's about talking and sharing.
There is nothing "crazy" about counseling and there is no shame. It's important to find a therapist you trust and feel comfortable with. In today's, hectic , if not "crazy", world with all our stresses, would it not be nice to find a safe, non judgemental place where you can go and share concerns, thoughts? To find a neutral party that can help clarify concerns or problems?
The media portrays the therapist as quiet and non challenging in a stark room with a couch. Not all therapists are the same and I always say it's a good thing to try and talk to the actual therapist when you call the office. This is not possible in many large offices that have many therapist but some smaller offices have the therapist make their own appointments. I, personally, use voicemail and make my own appointments. I understand that many times people call and don't feel comfortable talking to someone that is not the person who is going to see them.
If you feel stressed, tired, or something's not right.... it's totally OK and not crazy to talk to a professional.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Creating our sense of being...

I find it interesting that anytime I look at media, any media, they are reporting news of a new celebrity break up. Some are real and some are not. It seems that there is a fascination with break ups. Are we celebrating divorces and other peoples heart aches?
What troubles me is that if we are focused on break ups and others' misery we are maintaining a negative vision and outlook on relationships and life. We are what we breed. As a nation and as individuals, if we breed negativity we are negative. We actually place ourselves in a dark box. It's about choices and how we choose to live our lives. We can choose happiness or we can choose sadness. Again, I know that there will be nay sayers. I understand the illness of depression and that bad things will happen to us. We need to grieve losses but also grow from them. We can choose to live, to be happy for others' successes and live in the light of growth, health and well being.
I am personally tired of hearing about real and or imagined break ups. Let's celebrate healthy relationships. Notice I did not say "happy," I said healthy. These are the committed, relationships that have their highs and lows. Let's celebrate kindness to others, friendships and goodwill!

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Psycho ex wife.com

It was reported on the Today Show, that a divorced couple "fighting" for sole custody of their two children were in court because the former husband started an "anonymous" blog about what was, allegedly, happening to his children at the hands of the his ex wife ( the mother of the children). In essence he was "bad mouthing" the mother of his children. His rationalization is that he felt that others were going through similar situations and he wanted to create a place for others to vent their feelings.
In court, the family court judge ruled that the blog needed to come down.
Now, this has stirred up a lot of discussion regarding first amendment rights.
Members of the legal community have commented publicly that he does have freedom of speech.
Now, I want to discuss this as Libia, the psychotherapist and parenting coordinator.
Taking the freedom of speech issue out of the equation for a bit. What are we dealing with here? Obviously the adults are grown, they have made obvious bad choices but two "good choices" are the children they had. They have a responsibility to provide a physically, and emotionally healthy environment for their children. What this man, who can be described as acting in a selfish manner, is doing is venting his feelings and carrying on about exes and especially his ex wife. He needs, in my humble opinion, to get off his public soap box, grow up, and realize he his ultimately hurting his children. Children need a positive image of both parents. They have genes and are products of both parents. No good is going to come for any child to be told their parent is bad, crazy or any other derogatory term. I tell my clients, if you tell your child that their other parent is "crap" you are in essence telling them they are half crap! We need to learn to cooperate and co-parent! It's not for the ex and not for you, it's for the children and their future!

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Self Help.... Beware

Last year I wrote about self help books and being careful about the credentials and experience of the writers. This was not meant as way to discriminate against writers, it was meant as a cautionary note since the reality is that anyone can write a book. I am readdressing this today because I was looking through this month's issues of Glamour magazine and saw an article that really struck me. I am not mentioning names but I guess you can look it up in Glamour magazine.
The article is about a 35 year old author who writes for men on relationships. The article was him admitting to never having been "in love" and actually how he did not feel he could feel those emotions. His relationships last on average 3 months and he admits to saying " I love you" to women because it felt like the thing to say. He admits to having had a lot of women try to change him.
Now, I guess this issue is open to interpretation, but do we want relationship advice from some one that admits to never having been in love, to never have the feeling? He tells how this may have started when at 13y, his parents divorced and he vowed never to be in love.
I guess you can make your own opinion, but in reality, a person who admits to feeling and being emotionally "numb" may not be the best person to hand out advice on relationships.
Just some thoughts.........

Friday, June 3, 2011

a little more on forgiveness

Just last week I was looking through People magazine and saw a story on Elizabeth Smart. She is the young woman that was kidnapped and years later found. The kidnappers, a man and woman were arrested and the court proceedings are in process.
Well, the story is not about them but about Ms. Smart, and her sense of forgiveness which her mother instilled in her.
She says that she has forgiven her kidnappers and is moving on. She also states that she will not be sending them cards. I thought that Ms. Smart, who is a successful college student now, has truly given an example of forgiveness. She has emotionally forgiven them, will not make contact with them and is able to move on with her life and lead a productive life. Her soul will not be darkened by the seed of hatred or non forgiveness. Remember, we forgive for ourselves. To free ourselves.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a wonderful and healing concept yet misunderstood. In reading and hearing people's ideas and thoughts about forgiveness it seems that people see it as letting people off the hook, letting things go and life goes on. It is the belief that you just go on with life with out addressing the issues. No, it is not that at all!
I am writing this today, as I read a story about Maria Shriver working on forgiveness and helping her kids forgive their father. Many may not understand that since as of this writing the belief is she is moving forward with a divorce.
The concept of forgiveness is to help you heal the wound that hurt you. That little cut in your heart that someone else's behavior caused you. You heal that for you. So that you can move on enjoying all the gifts and blessings bestowed on you. In essence, you will forgive but not forget. I am not saying that you severe or not severe the relationship with the person that caused you pain. It is not about that. It is about you healing and letting go of that pain. If you let that pain linger and do not let go, it's like a cancer that you feed. It will get ugly and take over your heart and soul and ultimately you become a bitter, joyless person, living a miserable life. Yes, ultimately empowering the person that hurt you. They go on with their life, but your memories and thoughts of revenge sicken your soul and you seize to live a healthy, productive life.
In essence, it's about you! You forgive for yourself. So that you are happy in the long term.
And, no, it is not easy and doesn't happen overnight. It is a process and a concsious effort to say, " I forgive" and you work on it. In the process, you are taking care of yourself.
Think about it. If you become angry and bitter at someone and you don't let go. Do you think you will have lots of friends and family wanting to be around you? You think you will appreciate the good things? I know you don't need the answer to that but I will give it to you anyway. It's no.
Make it a great day today!

Friday, April 15, 2011

Parenting Skills 101

I know that some may feel that I minimize some topics into brief paragraphs but sometimes life is simple. When it comes to parenting, I belief that in theory it's simple and the difficult part is the day to day, consistant application of behavior modification. Reward the positive behavior and give consequences for the negative. But the most importnat thing to do is be a good role model for your kids. Children learn from what they see their parents do, not what they say. If your kids see you be forgiving of others, giving to charity, respecting others...guess what? They will learn that is what is appropriate and that is what they will do. As I think back as what shaped me, I can see where I learned from what my parents did and not so much what they said. So, if you want to be a great parent, work on any issues and be a role model. Live what you want your kids be.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Neuroplasticity......

I wanted to introduce the word neuroplasticity because I think it is imporant. It refers to the ability our brain has to change as a result of our experiences. I think it is important because this means that today, you have the abiltity to make changes in your brain to improve your life. If you take the concept of positive imagery and you practice it on a daily/regular basis you can make changes in your life. Even people that are in psychiatric treatment and take medication along with thinking/cogntive changes can eventually improve their lives.
There are many tests and research that have gone in to the this study but the fact is that there is hope and you have to believe in yourself and the fact that even if you have been suffering from depression, if you have had years of trauma, there is hope and help. If you find yourself grieving a loss over 6 months, please see a professional. Long term depression and trauma can create changes in your brain but with treatment, there is hope that there can be permanant change for the better. Both counseling and medication can work great together. For many counseling alone may be what is needed.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Sex in a new relationship

I often am asked by my clients when it is appropriate to have sex. While I remind my clients that I am not the moral police, and it's an individual choice I have a few thoughts to share.
The literature that is available on sexuality and dating basically describes a release of hormones that prevent clear thinking once there is a sexual experience. Like it's also not a good idea to drink on a first date. You want to get to know who you are getting to know and potentially having a relationship with.
Back to sex. Many times people do have sex too quickly so they are not able to truly get to know the person. There is much written about whether men and women are different or similar about sex? Many believe men do not attach as women do after a sexual experience.
Literature that is out on this topic says that first, wait until it feels right, and most importantly get to know that person and take your time. Steve Harvey author of ACT LIKE A LADY, THINK LIKE A MAN: WHAT MEN REALLY THINK ABOUT LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS,INTIMACY AND COMMITMENT writes about waiting three months, not that there is magic to three months but he makes a point of comparing this to a new job with a three month probational period. This is a little humerus but seems to make sense. Don't you want to see if you want this person in your life? If you all work out? Are compatible?
Again, I am not the moral police but seems that if you are looking for a long term relationship, it may be beneficial to wait on the sex and build a strong foundation or at least know the person.
Happy dating!

The Perfect male catch at mid life!!!!!!!!!!

We live in a world of guarantees. We are offered guarantees for everything we buy practically. We have come to somehow expect things to be perfect. Funny, because no one said life was going to be perfect and there are no guarantees. When dating it seems like women have interesting ideas of what the perfect man is. I have been amused by comments about what the men wear, drive etc. But also of interest, especially in mid-life is which is the best? Divorced, never married or widowed. Much has been said of each....for example, the divorced man may have the evil ex wife, the never married may have commitment phobias, and widowed has no baggage.
But again, we are forgetting that each person is different, has different experiences and one needs to approach each situation openly and free of bias.
There are no guarantees...while the widower is seen as with out baggage, he may idolize the deceased wife..... the divorced man may have been married before but so burned that he is commitment phobe or have other issues where he should have never married in the first place.
And, the single guy may just have had a life altering experience and be willing to commit.
Again, there are no guarantees, life is a journey and it's important to get to know the person.
We can not put people in boxes and make assumptions. What is important is that both parties are honest about their short and long term goals, and only time will tell because we can be told very pretty things in the beginning but only time will tell since people's true colors show with time. Happy dating!

Monday, March 7, 2011

Love

As I came to write on the blog, I already knew what I wanted to write about. I then realized that this is the second month that I write about love. And you know, it is not a bad thing! We all need love; especially with all the economic stress, wars, and losses everyone experiences so frequently.


I was inspired to write about love because of something I witnessed at home. I have a cat that has a chronic illness similar to Lupus. A few months ago she appeared to have a stroke and I took her in for her to be euthanized. I learned then ,what she had was a bleeding tumor in her ear, but after treatment she was better and will need daily ear drops and monthly shots. The vet and I decided to watch her and I said we'd call it hospice care since she was still interacting with the other cats and dog so she seemed too healthy to be euthanized.


I have seen the other cats kiss her head, lick her wound and they all spend time together...she even has neighborhood cat friends she interacts with. We went to the vet last week and her tumor no longer bleeds. She is better. What I find so amazing here is..... that I feel the love she has received from others has helped her heal.


So, before I lose you because you think I am a crazy cat lady....think about something...... love has the power to heal and comfort the weary and sick. There are bedridden people who so need a phone call or a nod....and we all do.....


So I thought I would share and ask everyone to be more loving to your fellow man/woman. We all can use a dose of love in our lives...It works for animals and it works for humans!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Happy Valentine's Day

Are you in love? Think you are in love? Do you know what love is? Read the following and be honest with yourself.


" Love is always patient and kind; love is never jealous;love is not boastful or conceited,it is never rude and never seeks advantage;it does not take offense or store up grievances. Love does not rejoice at wrongdoing,but finds its joy in the truth. It is always ready to make allowances, to trust, to hope and to endure whatever comes." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Not to be compared to anything pathological, it is not co dependency. It is healthy and found in oneself and partners.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Midlife, Divorce, Change, Growth.......

I have posted in the past about midlife,challenges and have even posted about my own divorce. I wanted to share a book I read recently. I feel a need to share since the author is a therapist, divorced and a marathon runner. I have run two full marathons in my life and currently run half(s) just because I am on the slacker side and it's much easier to train and even go under trained for a half marathon which is "only" 13.1 miles. Maybe I am inspired to write about this book because I will be running the ING Miami Half marathon this weekend. Well, perhaps I should not let everyone know this since I have slacked on training, eaten way too many potato chips and oh, the chocolates. But, I have committed to this so I may run, walk, crawl, but I will be there this weekend.

The book is: Second Wind: One Woman's Midlife Quest to Run Seven Marathons on Seven Continents. The author is Cami Ostman. Although I have no plans to race in all 7 continents...although I have thought about doing all marathons in Florida.... well, maybe the
half(s.) Well, maybe.

This is Ms. Ostmans personal journey, where she explores her feelings regarding religion, women, marriage and life in general. One does not have to be a runner to appreciate this book. Ms. Ostman even discusses that while running was her vessel to self growth everyone can choose their own. I have said many times that marathon running has taught me a lot. You start at the starting line hoping for the best. On that journey there will be elevations, such as hills, bridges, wind, rain and many obstacles. There will be pain, but you will dig deep within yourself to get the strength to push through. On occasions there will be catastrophes where the bus or rescue will pick you up. Theses are rare but if you live through it, you can come back next time stronger and complete the challenge. Again, it comes down to choices, we are winners if we choose to be winners. By winner, I don't mean winning the marathon..... but winning for you, conquering your challenge.

Yes you can, if you believe you can.