Sex, Drugs, Alcohol, Money........ Life as we know it

Although this is a blog and it's about me writing, I do wish to get feedback especially from men on this issue. I do know that people read this since I have been emailed or told verbally from people that have read it. Now, I have seen this phenomenon both socially and in my practice. It's women who tell me that their husband has asked them to dress sexy, and to dress "for them". Now, I am not talking about dressing to be home, I mean to dress to go out in public. I usually hear the complaints from the women. I actually was at a department store once and someone was telling the store clerk that her husband had suggested she buy an all shear blouse with nothing underneath. Oh, this reminds me that there are women who use body paint instead of tops to attend certain functions. That and pasties. The women ask themselves and I guess I open this forum for feedback. Why? I would love to hear from the men why they would like their wives scantly dressed to go out. One woman told me she got the response that "I know you are a proper woman and will not flirt with men" This man actually picked out clothes for his wife to attend a party. Short tops, high heels and short skirts. Again, please provide feedback. I have also had numerous clients mostly women but some men, that have been "talked into" having more than one partner sexually, as in threesomes. Again, the people I have counseled while consenting at the time did not want to continue and many times that activity has led to the third party reuniting secretly with one of the partners. As I work with couples to repair the damage or with the one person who comes because of the "trauma" they feel they have experienced, I ask myself why? Again, please feel free to share thoughts here. Our current society can be described as "throw away" "immediate gratification" "materialistic" and people seem to feel a need to "push the envelope" There seems to be a thirst or lacking in the modern spirit. The common belief is that status or money will help. The more money people make the more they want to make and, many times the poorer they feel and are. Sex, drugs, alcohol, money, seem to be idolized and cool. God forbid you don't seem cool. I have adolescent clients with way more sense than their parents because their parents are so preoccupied with keeping up with the Jones' or the Garcia's that they don't even parent. I have had many children tell me " I wish my father/mother did not have so many boy/girlfriends" "My mother/father just won't get off the phone" I know that I can not fix the world and I can only guide those that admit to having issues and wanting help. Few parents now provide their children with religion in their lives. This is not a blog about religion but I feel kids need a basic foundation. Sadly, many parents don't do anything and expect the child at 18y to choose. That doesn't happen. That is a part of life that is lost on them. It just seems that parents are failing. With the idea that 40 is the new 30 etc,etc, we seem to be refusing to grow up. Now, looking your best is important but at some point we need to get a grip on reality. I am told I look 30, great, but the reality is I am 50 and there is nothing wrong with it and it truly doesn't matter. But as a 50 year old I am supposed to mentor young people , not hang with them and conspire to make the same mistakes they do. Duh! It seems to be "cool" when there are no limits and any limits need to be busted. Well, boundaries are limits and they are there for a reason. Self control is important. If you don't control your eating, you will have problems, you don't control the number of sexual partners, there will be consequences, and that is with anything. We keep busting through boundaries and I think we never stop to live, be mindful and enjoy beauty of life, aging and long term relationships as well as parenting. You can not be your child's parent and best friend. Nope, you can't. So, It may seem I have gone around in a circle. But the core here is self control, self awareness, self love and acceptance. The core of the self at it's healthiest. We have to be careful of what we expose ourselves to. Pornography for examples provides an unrealistic example of sexuality. You expose yourself to doses of any unrealistic thing and that becomes a norm. Nope, not good. Buy enough magazines with unreal pictures of women and your perception of a woman's body will be warped. Video games too. Shoot enough avatars and you will be desensitized to the killing of people, real people. In essence, " we are what we are exposed to." Let's expose ourselves to pretty things, lovely things, pure and spiritual things. Try it for at least 30 days and see what happens. Just a thought. Hope to get feedback. Would love to hear what others think. Peace and Love, Libia

Success

Are you successful? Ha, this is not such an easy question is it? How do you measure success? Is it the size of the car you drive, make or model? Your income? Or is it as simple as how you feel? Do you feel successful? I once heard it asked, "Who is more successful, Mother Theresa or Donald Trump? Well? The answer to this is based on your values. If you value public service, building community and/or are faithful, spiritual, religious you might answer, Mother Theresa is more successful. Here is a woman who chose to live in poverty, build community and work at helping people who were very poor, weak, dying and in essence, the disenfranchised. There were no "movers and shakers" being helped there. The contrast then is Donald Trump. He is vastly wealthy, it is evident he has some "ego issues" as evidenced on national political news, and has had a few marriages. The man is known for his financial wealth. It is obvious that you will choose your own personal response to my question. What do I think? As I have matured in both my career in mental health and my life I'd say that each was successful in what they wanted to do. I think society's issue is that we, as a society, have neglected to value what people like Mother Theresa have done and do and focus only on finances. The reality is that money is necessary, not necessarily evil but a means to pay for necessities of life. Some necessities of life. We seem to lack balance. We need to value the "helping professions" and give them the same importance we give to careers in management and finances. We need social workers, teachers, peace makers and we also need accountants and business people. We also have to value them all the same. I truly feel we have weakness and strengths and we are born with talents to make this a better world. I think we get in to trouble by forcing young people in to careers they lack aptitude just because " you have to make money" Getting a little spiritual here, I would say that we have to be careful we don't idolized money. Money is not a God, it is a means to trade goods and services. As I have hit mid life with a few bumps and bruises, I have learned the key to happiness. I am also willing to share, and not sell it. (Insert laughter) Learn who you are, what your strengths and weaknesses are. Love the good and bad in you. Try to be the best you can. Be happy with you and who you are. "Grow where you are planted." Happiness is about appreciating and being grateful for what you have. Look around, count your blessings and be happy.

Seasons......

A few years ago, and I don't know how I started to think this way, I began to see the benefit of looking at nature, as way to get answers about life's questions. Maybe looking at nature as God's way of communicating with us, I am still not sure. We have four seasons and we notice it's not a quick change, it's more of a gradual change. We learn that as bad as a rainy day is, it will stop raining and we will have beautiful sunshine and flowers and green space as a result. As great as that sunny day is, the day when it gets too hot will come and we will get the rainy day to save us from the hot weather. There is beauty in nature as there is beauty in our lives. Yes, there is ugliness, death and violence in nature as well. I believe that we all would benefit from getting in touch with nature. Get out of the house, go outside in any weather, feel it. Walk more and get out of the bubble with wheels. Getting in touch with nature will get you in touch with yourself, and knowing yourself with help you connect with others. Nature, in all it's grace, is such a beautiful thing. Nature is therapy. Make time every week to get out, don't drive, don't watch TV but connect, commune with nature. There is beauty in the infant, there is beauty in the elderly person with many wrinkles sitting in the park. We must live every season of our life in a mindful manner. Enjoy the beauty and awkwardness of every season. Oh, to be a teenager or in your 20's with life ahead yet the fear. To be 40 and 50 and remember that fear and laugh, "how silly" yet at 40 and 50 we have other fears. The fears that an 80 year old would laugh at "how silly". Every season of our lives will be challenging but we need to see the gift in it. While it is difficult to understand, I finally understand how there can be a gift even in difficult times. Childbirth brings fear and pain while creating life and a new family. Death brings grief yet a time to reconnect with family and celebrate a life lived. Find the joy and sunshine, accept your rain, it will make you a better person. It makes you who you are. Happy Summer.

Anger

Anger. The word alone makes us think of something that is wrong, that needs correcting or that should not happen. I guess we have been trained that it is a "bad" thing. Well, I will tell you that anger is a feeling, an emotion just like any other. I guess the best example I can give right now, is that it can best be compared to pain. Not just because many times a person in physical or emotional pain will either look or behave like they are angry, but because anger is also a warning to us that something is not right. First, anger is a feeling, it is ok. What is not OK is what we do with the anger, what our behavior may be. While we are not in "control" of the feeling of anger, we are in control of our behavior. Interesting to find talk about anger in the Bible of all places. No mention of it being outright bad, just that we need to contol it. In Ephesians 4:26 "In anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are angry. The problem many people have with anger is that they don't address issues when they first occur they "bottle it up" and " explode" after a while. For others the expression of anger is seen as powerful. A way to control others. This is usually learned from childhood where adults displaying this behavior taught the children that it was a way to be powerful. Most people want to be powerful, just like their cartoon characters, so the lesson was, display anger and you are in control. Later in life this causes all sorts of problems. There are many "anger management classes" and many people for a variety of reasons get referred, usually by Court, for treatment or "classes". Most times they don't work. Why? Because the person being referred is referred, or told by another to go, so it doesn't work. Like any "problem" one has to become aware of it and then want to change. Anger is not an "all or nothing feeling/emotion" unless there is some psychiatric or neurological condition. Things annoy people and people tend to be lazy or shy and let things go..... but it only gets so far. One needs to be in touch with one's emotions, one needs to address concerns or feelings when they happen while in an appropriate, none judgemental manner. Own the feeling, tell others " I feel...." with out accusing or judging. Be considerate of others and if the other person does not want to talk "right then" agree on a mutual agreeable time. It is ok to feel angry, it is not OK to attack others or be mean.

Happy New Year 2014

Oh, the pressure. Last day of the year. If you listen to radio, TV or open Facebook, there is mention that tomorrow you start with a clean slate. Oh, the pressure for perfection, for change , for happiness. Don't let all the hoopla get to you. You may decide you want to make changes, you may want a new job, to work out, what ever it is. Think about this, and and truly see if this is the best time for change. If you decide to , then be kind to yourself, change will take time and you will fail. But that failure should not be the end but just a stepping stone toward your goal. Don't buy into the pressure. Know that change takes time. Allow yourself to fail but return. Maybe just focus on what you think should change. Take baby steps. Again, change takes time. Be reasonable. Happy New year and be safe! Happy 2014.

Free Speech

Maybe because before I became a therapist, I acquired an undergraduate degree in political science, I find that this country has a poor understanding of Free Speech. Last incident I am aware of is what those Duck Dynasty characters said about homosexuality. This is just the recent of many nasty ccomments made about other's race, sexual orientatation, etc. Our forefathers never intended for Americans to stand in a street corner or the exquivalnet, today's internet, and shoot off negative comments to other Americans. I clearly remember when I studied constitutional law, that there ARE limits to free speech. Free speech is not the same as diarhea of the mouth. There are limits as in "responsibilities" such as you do not yell "FIRE" in a crowded movie theather just because... It is obvious that this country needs a lesson in civics. Perhaps we need to turn off reality tv and read government and history books. There is a huge "brain drain" in the making in this country.

What do men want? What do women want?

I have written previously about self-help books so you all know how I feel about that. I hear people ask, what do men want? What do women want? Well, people, it aint that simple, yet it's very simple indeed. It's not what "men want" it's not what "women want", it's what the person that is right for you wants and what YOU want. Every relationship is different and infact a "mystery". In a nutshell, we all seek partners that meet our needs. If we have issues, if we are accustomed to dsyfunction, we may be more comfortable with dsyfunction that we are willing to admit so we may find ourselves in dsyfunctional relationships with out really wanting to. This applies to both men and women. First thing I tell people is "get a life" Who are you? What are your interests, desires,life goals? Find out and live. Once you have established your life, your identity, have made friends, you are in a better position to blend and mesh your life with the "right" partner. No one is perfect and you are not perfect. It doesn't matter how many days you go to Church, confession, therapy, You are not perfect. If you think you are , I suggest you quickly get off that kick. The key to success is being aware that neither you or your parnter are perfect but each respects the other. I say that you should feel that person " has your back". You should feel safe, understood and that what that person knows about you is not going to be used against you. I recommend you " learn who you are" , get a life, make friends, build community; put your heart in that. Really, put your heart into it, don't just volunteer at the homeless shelter because you want to meet someone nice. Grow and develop yourself and I am sure , in the community you build you will find suitable people and hopefully a date and eventually a life partner, spouse or whatever you are truly looking for. Build a life!