AFFAIRS. Infidelity. Are they the demise of a marriage?
Not necessarily. All affairs are not the same and don't have the same significance or meaning. Upon learning about an affair the first step should be seeking help. Whether from a priest, rabbi or therapist it doesn't matter. What does matter is that you go with an open mind and heart, and that the person you go to is experienced in dealing with these matters.
I had the pleasure several years ago to attend a conference held by Ms. Emily M. Brown, MSW who wrote the book Patterns of Infidelity and their treatment.
She describes five different types of affairs: Conflict Avoidance, Intimacy Avoidance, Sexual Addiction, Empty Nest and Out the Door. To quickly review each:
Conflict Avoidance: men or women in their 20s or 30s, tend to avoid conflict, the affair is brief with minimal emotional involvement. This one has a low probablty of divore with worse outcome being other affairs or divorce.
Intimacy Avoidance: Male or female in 20-30s, tend to avoid intimacy, brief affair, low probablity of divorce, with worst outcome being other affiars or divorce,
Sexual Addiction: male,any age, brief affair, low probality of divorce, worse case scenario may be a damaged family and public humiliation.
Empty Nest: males ages 40 and up. The man is conflicted between family and shoulds vs wants. There is a higher probabiility of divorce, worst outcome an empty shell marriage. Then the last, is Out the door affair. Characterized as a way to avoid facing ending of the marriage. The affair lasts 6 months to 2 years. With a very high probabilty of divorce. Worst case scenario: unresolved loss.
Her presentation gives us a look at just how varied affairs are and how each has a diiferent meaning. They are not the definite end of a marriage but definitely the marriage will never be the same. An affair is said to either make a marriage stronger or break it. It is not advisable to have an affair to make a change or statement in the marriage. Seek elders, clergy, professional counselors if you are feeling a strain in your relationship. Remember that all behaviors have consequences. A married couple is not an island, there are children, friends,and relatives who also feel the pain of infidelity.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Friday, July 3, 2009
Happy 4th of July
The meaning of the holiday is Independence. I am dedicating this day to all my clients who are working through the pain of divorce and abandonment. It is a day to celebrate Independence and it is an opportunity to explore their current and future life "independently"
I refer to divorce as an "earthquake" in your life. For whatever time you have been married you built a foundation. For some it may be a weak foundation but it's like a concrete foundation regardless of how weak it may be. Then, one day, an "earthquake" happens and with out apparent warning, the foundation crumbles. There is chaos that follows and then there is a rebuilding.
In chaos, it is important that the person not isolate him/herself. Friends, a place of worship and hobbies/activities are very important. It is important to take care of the self, both physically and emotionally. Be careful to not participate in behaviors that will harm you. Some people become active in activities that will in fact harm them. If the feelings are overwhelming seek counseling.
If you are lonely this holiday, seek others. Get out of the house, find firework displays. Do something, take time to appreciate the great country we are so lucky to live in.
I refer to divorce as an "earthquake" in your life. For whatever time you have been married you built a foundation. For some it may be a weak foundation but it's like a concrete foundation regardless of how weak it may be. Then, one day, an "earthquake" happens and with out apparent warning, the foundation crumbles. There is chaos that follows and then there is a rebuilding.
In chaos, it is important that the person not isolate him/herself. Friends, a place of worship and hobbies/activities are very important. It is important to take care of the self, both physically and emotionally. Be careful to not participate in behaviors that will harm you. Some people become active in activities that will in fact harm them. If the feelings are overwhelming seek counseling.
If you are lonely this holiday, seek others. Get out of the house, find firework displays. Do something, take time to appreciate the great country we are so lucky to live in.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Father's Day
This weekend we will be celebrating Father's Day. It's a little more low key than Mother's Day, but I feel just as important. Father's role in the family has changed in the last fifty years , with fathers more involved in the care of children. As a therapist working with high conflict divorce, I have worked with many fathers who want to maintain a relationship with their children yet circumstances prevent it. I have seen mothers, with the help from some attorneys, attempt to prevent these relationships.
Fathers are very important in the life of all children. There are some fathers not interested in participating in the life of their children, but for those who are interested it is important that they are allowed. When couples separate and divorce, they divorce each other not the children.
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY................................
Fathers are very important in the life of all children. There are some fathers not interested in participating in the life of their children, but for those who are interested it is important that they are allowed. When couples separate and divorce, they divorce each other not the children.
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY................................
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Money
What a loaded topic! We all need it, some people base their self worth on it and others lose their self worth for it.
Many marital arguments are due to money or sex or sometimes both.
It is interesting to see how people deal with money. You have the savers that sacrifice themselves in order to have it, you have the spenders that can make multiple figures and yet have no money. As a therapist who works with divorced parents it's amazing to see how each parent can nickel and dime the other over what was spent on the kids. Child support is also a conflict since every father believes the mother is taking the money for nails, hair and men; the few mothers that pay child support feel that the father has the kids for the money he gets.
In a relationship, I find that money is symbolic of the health of the relationship. I have found that healthy couples have goals for their future and create a nest. Their money is for home/shelter, time together and meeting mutual goals. I see people hiding money, asserting their place in the home based on money and all that does is slowly destroy the relationship. In any relationship there is going to be one that makes more than the other. Perhaps through the life time of the relationship or at any given time. In a healthy relationship, the larger earner should not boast about this. There should be a sense of equality. Making more or less in a relationship does not determine your "rank" in the marriage or relationship. If there is love, the partners are equal.
Perhaps when we stop determining people's worth by how much money they make and instead value people for their character and behavior we shall all be a little happier and healthier.
Many marital arguments are due to money or sex or sometimes both.
It is interesting to see how people deal with money. You have the savers that sacrifice themselves in order to have it, you have the spenders that can make multiple figures and yet have no money. As a therapist who works with divorced parents it's amazing to see how each parent can nickel and dime the other over what was spent on the kids. Child support is also a conflict since every father believes the mother is taking the money for nails, hair and men; the few mothers that pay child support feel that the father has the kids for the money he gets.
In a relationship, I find that money is symbolic of the health of the relationship. I have found that healthy couples have goals for their future and create a nest. Their money is for home/shelter, time together and meeting mutual goals. I see people hiding money, asserting their place in the home based on money and all that does is slowly destroy the relationship. In any relationship there is going to be one that makes more than the other. Perhaps through the life time of the relationship or at any given time. In a healthy relationship, the larger earner should not boast about this. There should be a sense of equality. Making more or less in a relationship does not determine your "rank" in the marriage or relationship. If there is love, the partners are equal.
Perhaps when we stop determining people's worth by how much money they make and instead value people for their character and behavior we shall all be a little happier and healthier.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Marital Separation
One frequently asked question from couples coming in for counseling is: Libia, should we separate?
Well, it all depends on what is happening in the relationship. If a couple is having issues,disagreements I would say work the issues out in counseling while living together.I ask them what the purpose of the separation is?What are their individual thoughts and plans. What do they want for their marriage? Separation is going to bring distance in the relationship that may aggravate the situation. Marital separation is recommended where there is the potential for abuse and/or violence. If that is happening any professional is going to tell you to separate and one of the parties needs to find a place to stay. I would also recommend finding legal advice since there is the question of whether that person "abandoned" the home. Although my understanding is ( and I am not an attorney, and not qualified to say) but leaving the home( in Florida at least) does not mean you lose rights.
If you are in an abusive and or potentially violent situation get out. If you don't have a place to go, call the Police and they can take you to a shelter.
So, do you separate? If you want to seriously work on the relationship? No. Unless you are in a potentially dangerous situation then get out and get help! The only other reason would be if you are planning to split up or divorce.
Well, it all depends on what is happening in the relationship. If a couple is having issues,disagreements I would say work the issues out in counseling while living together.I ask them what the purpose of the separation is?What are their individual thoughts and plans. What do they want for their marriage? Separation is going to bring distance in the relationship that may aggravate the situation. Marital separation is recommended where there is the potential for abuse and/or violence. If that is happening any professional is going to tell you to separate and one of the parties needs to find a place to stay. I would also recommend finding legal advice since there is the question of whether that person "abandoned" the home. Although my understanding is ( and I am not an attorney, and not qualified to say) but leaving the home( in Florida at least) does not mean you lose rights.
If you are in an abusive and or potentially violent situation get out. If you don't have a place to go, call the Police and they can take you to a shelter.
So, do you separate? If you want to seriously work on the relationship? No. Unless you are in a potentially dangerous situation then get out and get help! The only other reason would be if you are planning to split up or divorce.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Child Abuse
It's a topic I choose to write about today, as I was just on a panel discussion on a local radio station on the subject.
What is it? I will start by saying that I will divide it into three types:
negligence, sexual abuse and physical abuse.
Negligence can be emotional, physical or medical. This is when the child's emotional needs are not met, or when they are not fed, clothed or housed appropriately. Dirty clothes, hunger or inadequate housing, when it is clear that there are no financial issues, is neglience. In fact, abuse and neglect are not related to social economic status. It happens in the best of neighborhoods as well as in the worst of neighborhoods. Not giving appropriate boudaries to children can also be neglect. Parents are responsible for their children until the age of 18. Not following medical advice can also be abuse.Professionals see most of these cases when parents are divorced or seperated and there is a battle where one parent chooses to not medicate the child because they feel that the child does not "need" the medication.
Sexual abuse is the sexualization of the child. Not just touching, or penetration but also exposure to sexual information such as pornography. Obviously, sexual educational material when used appropriately is not considered abuse.
Physical abuse perhaps is the most obvious. There will be broken bones, bruises etc.
A question many parents have is; is spanking abuse? Ask a therapist and we say, let's try giving consequences and redirecting behavior. Others may believe it is OK. At least in Florida, it is OK.
Leaving marks, such as bruises and broken bones and the like, is abuse.
As the ecomony becomes more challenging and stress levels in families increases, I recommend that parents work on stress management; exercise, attend religious services, visit with supportive family and friends.
When that is not enough, please see a mental health professional.
What is it? I will start by saying that I will divide it into three types:
negligence, sexual abuse and physical abuse.
Negligence can be emotional, physical or medical. This is when the child's emotional needs are not met, or when they are not fed, clothed or housed appropriately. Dirty clothes, hunger or inadequate housing, when it is clear that there are no financial issues, is neglience. In fact, abuse and neglect are not related to social economic status. It happens in the best of neighborhoods as well as in the worst of neighborhoods. Not giving appropriate boudaries to children can also be neglect. Parents are responsible for their children until the age of 18. Not following medical advice can also be abuse.Professionals see most of these cases when parents are divorced or seperated and there is a battle where one parent chooses to not medicate the child because they feel that the child does not "need" the medication.
Sexual abuse is the sexualization of the child. Not just touching, or penetration but also exposure to sexual information such as pornography. Obviously, sexual educational material when used appropriately is not considered abuse.
Physical abuse perhaps is the most obvious. There will be broken bones, bruises etc.
A question many parents have is; is spanking abuse? Ask a therapist and we say, let's try giving consequences and redirecting behavior. Others may believe it is OK. At least in Florida, it is OK.
Leaving marks, such as bruises and broken bones and the like, is abuse.
As the ecomony becomes more challenging and stress levels in families increases, I recommend that parents work on stress management; exercise, attend religious services, visit with supportive family and friends.
When that is not enough, please see a mental health professional.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Happy Memorial Day
Memorial Day marks the unofficial start of summer. This weekend, families will be driving all across this great country going on weekend getaways, family reunions, the beach and let's not forget the mall, for those great "Memorial Day sales. " As we look forward to summer sun, fun and bargains let's take a little time to "remember" what we are celebrating. It is called Memorial Day because we are remembering and honoring all the men and women who have sacrificed so that we can live in a great country.
Enjoy.........................
Enjoy.........................
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