Happy New Year !! 2016

So we are headed toward a new year and the talk is about change and new year's resolutions. I probably say this every year because this issue does not change.
If you feel a need to make changes in your life and you feel January 1st is the best time, then do so. If you don't, that is OK as well.
Any change is difficult and there are bumps in the road. What I see as an issue are the expectations created for the new year and the ultimate frustration that ultimately happens.
Now, whatever your goal is for next year go in with the understanding that you will lapse and you will make mistakes and that is OK too.
Change will come even though it may not look the way that you initially expect it to look, and that is OK too.
I guess the essence of what I am saying is to be kind to yourself as you work on your goals. You should have short and long term goals.
Diets are big for the new year but remember that diets are not the goal but lifestyle change is. You don't want to feed yourself salad for one week and be miserable all week. You may want to start by incorporating vegetables in your meals, eating healthier  and starting that way. You will break your streak of change and that is OK, just go back the next day.
You may also want to make a visual of your goals. Pictures from magazines, words or drawings that highlight where you want to be.
Just remember that you have 12 months and change will not happen immediately.
Be mindful of what you want, what you are doing, be real and present.
And yes, I used the work OK a lot because it's OK and you are OK. Love yourself as you are. It's a journey, not a destination and you want to enjoy the journey.
Peace and Love and thank you for reading my blog.

How Cool must you be?

I find that most people today have an incredible need  to be cool. First, I guess we must define cool. Cool and hot are words thrown around that in reality just describe temperature but something has happened to the current generation of adults. Seems like common sense, responsibility , empathy, sympathy and adult, mature type behavior is history. Now, it seems, no one wants to look or act their age. People save money, and take on extra jobs so they can pay for plastic surgery. Not only that, there are plastic surgery trends. A recent trend was " thigh gap" this is the need to have a certain amount of space between your thighs. These trends are for women, they seem to be part of the "war on women" but I will leave that for another blog. Some women even went to doctors to have procedures to create thigh gap. I have visions of odd bowleggedness when I describe thigh gap. Actually, there were commentaries about certain large retail stores that altered pictures in their circulars to create the thigh gap. Apparently one was so odd looking that the media had a field day with that one. Thigh gap is no longer the "in" thing, I read on social media a few weeks ago. Now it's " hip brow". I am not too sure  what this is but it has been defined , again on social media, as the crease that is created when the thigh meets the hip. Go figure, I still am not sure what that is.
These trends about focusing on how we look and surgically changing our look is only one aspect of how we are just not maturing.
In this quest to be cool where no one can actually measure cool since in some circles being uncool is too cool, people seem fearful. They seem fearful to act like themselves, to be free to say what they think and feel. For self expression. My goodness, I have just defined social control. Living in Miami everyone is afraid of communism since it is seen as oppressive but if we can not be ourselves for fear, does  it matter if the government is oppressing us or if we are oppressing ourselves. Sure, no one will say they oppress themselves, "society" does. But who is society? Society is you and me and the rest of the people around. 
This coolness factor is getting in the way of us living our lives. Why live in fear? Say what you want. Obviously, this does not mean to be disrespectful. But if you like curly hair and you have curly hair, let your curly hair be. The world may come and tell you, "you must Keratin." No, you don't have to. I know, I picked a somewhat shallow topic but it's a safe example of how we must be. I actually have curly hair and most people suggest I must have cancer causing treatments so that my hair is straight. I was actually born with straight hair and in later life it is curly. Guess I have lived both. I like  natural. We don't take a rose and make it an orchid, now why must I alter the way I look? No reason. 
I hope that after reading this you sit on it. This is not about my hair or thigh gap. This is about you giving yourself permission to be yourself. Some people will like you, some will love you, others will not like you and that is OK. In my  very first counseling theories class I remember the professor say , " You are not going to like everyone and everyone is not going to like you; and that is OK."
So, start getting to know yourself and allow yourself to be. Be you, not the copy of someone else.

The rebound

I know, this may seem foolish to you but it is truly not. I learned yesterday that Kermit the frog is dating again. My last blog entry was on  how society and the media appear to encourage and normalize breakups. It is as if relationships are not meant to last. You know there is a problem when cartoon characters are separating and divorcing. Now, really, why?
So Kermit is dating Denise. Denise looks very similar to Miss Piggy except for Miss Piggy's diva flavor. It is very obvious that Kermit is on a rebound since he is dating someone that looks just like Miss Piggy. As a professional who focuses on  relationships and divorce, a separation/divorce is akin to death. In essence it is the death of a relationship and there needs to be healing. 
So, the powers that are manipulating this Kermit / Miss Piggy separation are now manipulating and creating a situation that is encouraging more dysfunction. It is believed that depending on the length of a relationship, there needs to be sometime for healing which truly has no time limit but should be at least one year and more if the relationship was a long time relationship. In short, Kermit has no business dating right now. Also, the fact that Denise looks just like Miss Piggy proves it.
Yes, I know that I am carrying on about two puppets but since they are available for discussion then I use them to highlight dysfunctional behavior after divorce. I still have issues with that fact that the powers that be in the media are encouraging divorce and the break up of relationships. I truly find that problematic. Again part of  the "throw it away and get a new one." It does feed a capitalist society since people starting new lives will need to buy many things and utilize professional services every time they start new but that comes with a human price. The price of pain and suffering and not just for the people breaking up but for the extended family, the children and even pets. Again, I urge everyone to be mindful of the messages that the media is sending us. We have the power to reject these ideas and not buy products associated with this dysfunction. It may be silly but if you start looking at this deeper is starts becoming morose; not cute or funny. It well known that rebound relationships don't last and why involve Denise in this situation? Both Kermit and Denise are going to end up hurt. Kermit is not ready to date yet.

The glorification of divorce and breakups

It seems every time I go online some celebrity is getting divorced. It  saddens me because it seems that no one remains married for long in our current society. Recently it was rumored that Homer and  Marge Simpson were  getting divorced, Ken and Barbie had some split a few years ago and yesterday evening Hermit and Missy Piggy announced a breakup. This came on the same week as various long term Hollywood couples announced their divorce.
I work with high conflict divorce as well as couples at various stages of divorce. Daily I witness the damage done to people by their parents' divorce as well as their own divorce. Divorce is traumatic. It is a death, and there is a grieving process associated with it.
What I don't understand is the need to divorce cartoon characters? I am wondering if Mickey and Minnie are OK.
We are society. We need to wake up to the fact that if we don't work harder at helping our friends remain together, learn to talk to each other and not condone frivolous divorces and separations we are slowly destroying our selves. There is money to be made in divorce and it feeds our capitalist roots. The buying and selling of homes, home goods, dating sites, and professional fees. But it is also a destructive force. I have been a therapist for 25 years. During my training I worked at starting groups for children whose parents were getting divorced. It now seems most kids are products of divorced families and the groups may have to be for children who live with their biological parents. Yes, I am being somewhat facetious but I see parents who remain together having a difficult time since most kids are now learning to effectively manipulate their divorced parents and many times have liberties and act out in ways children living with functional parents can not get away with.
I see a pattern where parents divorce, hit the online dating sites and become teens again. The children of these parents are lost and usually find trouble.
While there is a place for divorce in cases of abuse and other dysfunction , we have a problem when the majority, over 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. We have a bigger problem when family cartoons get divorced or separated. And for what? The perpetual " I am not happy" "He/She doesn't make me happy" Well, guess what? Your partner is not meant to make you "happy" they are not circus entertainers.
At some point we need to work on building and not destroying families. Healthy families are the foundation for the rearing of healthy children who grow up to be healthy adults. We must speak out if only with our wallets, and not support the message that after a while you leave your spouse and that is normal.
By no means are we to discriminate against the divorced but me must not encourage it. It's like getting a limb amputated, we first go to wound care and attempt to avoid the amputation.

Discussing the Duggers

I am very troubled by the information coming out on the Duggers. The information I have gathered is that a son inappropriately touched ( touched breasts ) of a female sibling(s) while she, or they slept ,and apparently nothing was done. There are reports that say that the son is viewed as a "victim" by the girls and the family. I have this information but I can not say any of it is true. What I find troubling is that there is a right and wrong way to handle these matters. First, any inappropriate touching of a sexual nature between kids is not to be ignored. Yes, young children may be curious between each other but the line is crossed if either child feels uncomfortable or if there is an age difference. Mr. Dugger being 15 years old and touching the breasts of a 5 year old is sexual molestation. Children that demonstrate sexual acting out must be evaluated to make sure that they themselves have not been abused or are in a setting where they are witnessing sexuality inappropriate for their age, including exposure to pornography. Sex between siblings, touching of sexual organs is not appropriate. This has to be addressed. If there are any doubts, see a professional. A pediatrician, a therapist, someone who works with children. Not all issues require the immediate phoning of the police. If a child is in immediate danger yes, you call 911. If you are not sure the child is being harmed , in Florida you call 1-800-96-ABUSE. Department of Children and Families will investigate. One has to get help for the child. I find this Dugger family very disturbing. They are the classic dysfunctional family. Too busy judging others but they have major dysfunction in the core of their family. My concern also is how conservative media such as FOX interview the family. It scares me that incest and sexual abuse are minimized and thereby condoned as appropriate or "normal" in some way. My heart also goes out to all the women and men who are survivors of incest and abuse. Many of these men and women have had years of treatment and may continue to be in treatment in order to deal with the abuse. Children need to be protected. We are the eyes, ears and hands to help children grow up to be healthy adults.

Reality Wasteland....

I had a professor in college make a joke about auto racing. He commented that he figured that spectators went and watched waiting for a crash. He talked about how he failed to see the point in going if it wasn't to see a fiery crash. I think of this comment as I see what television has become. I guess people watch just to watch the scandals associated with the demise of the shows. Wait long enough and there will be a sex related scandal that gets them off the air. Honey Boo Boo's momma dropped her husband and decided to date an alleged ( or not so alleged) sex offender, The Kardashians have had too many scandals to mention and continue to air dirty laundry, the Dugger's apparent mirage of clean laundry is unraveling and there is some really nasty stuff. These are just a few of the many scandals including divorces, prison sentences and dysfunction associated with television today. Have you wondered why you are watching or perhaps have chosen not to watch these so called reality shows? What is the attraction? Is it a way to compare our lives to others and perhaps feel superior? Honey Boo Boo's show was really sad. An American family that required subtitles in their own country, the mother taking her young daughter to pageants and dressing her up and having her wear make up to parade around and attempt to win prizes. There is really very little , if any value to watching such dysfunction. What happened to reading, crafts , and an other activity that does not involve watching a family totally embarrass themselves on television or highlight a family that feels it is acceptable to breed their own community. Are the Duggers at 19 children? 20? Really? As reality television became more popular, and labor was cheap, there have been less professional actors involved in the craft of entertainment. It just doesn't seem healthy to me. There are many more productive things, in my opinion, than to watch these sad, pathetic shows. The human mind needs challenge and like any muscle needs to be exercised. Sitting and watching dysfunctional families have breakdowns is just not healthy. Grab a book, go outside, listen to music expand your mind before it's too late.

Get Off The Phone!

I was somewhat impacted yesterday as I was riding around town, I couldn't believe how many people were on their phones on a Sunday morning! As I looked at cars that passed, I saw beautiful children in their cars with a parent on their cell phone. I am not even going to discuss the safety concerns, I am just highlighting the sadness of this all. Why are they on their phones? It's Sunday. Is it social, is it work? Really? As these cars passed, I saw these beautiful children just staring out the windows with blank expressions. Again, what is so important and why can't it wait? I remember being a kid and riding with my parents in their car. It seemed like a time to talk. Maybe we have some how lost the ability to talk to humans that are actually in the same physical space with us. What I witnessed yesterday seemed like lost opportunities to begin bonding with children. I see it in stores too, the parent, up ahead on the phone grabbing things from the isles, as kids follow. Relationships with your children are not established when they become teenagers and you want them to do as you say. They start at the birth of the child. Teenagers have told me many times that they have nothing in common with their parents and have never really talked or done things together ,so why then? The teenage years are a time for the child to grow and begin his/her development as an adult, the time to bond with children is when they are young. Most parents have to work and time left for family, for a married/committed relationship, children, is precious. Be more mindful of opportunities that present themselves. A Sunday morning drive is an opportunity to become more mindful of your surroundings and work on developing a healthy relationship with your companion, even if it's your family dog. Aren't they cute when they see something they like or just looking at you with adoring eyes? It's time to wake up and realize we have to put the phone down and look around. This is also an issue at bagel shops and bakeries, just get off the phone and pay attention!