The rebound

I know, this may seem foolish to you but it is truly not. I learned yesterday that Kermit the frog is dating again. My last blog entry was on  how society and the media appear to encourage and normalize breakups. It is as if relationships are not meant to last. You know there is a problem when cartoon characters are separating and divorcing. Now, really, why?
So Kermit is dating Denise. Denise looks very similar to Miss Piggy except for Miss Piggy's diva flavor. It is very obvious that Kermit is on a rebound since he is dating someone that looks just like Miss Piggy. As a professional who focuses on  relationships and divorce, a separation/divorce is akin to death. In essence it is the death of a relationship and there needs to be healing. 
So, the powers that are manipulating this Kermit / Miss Piggy separation are now manipulating and creating a situation that is encouraging more dysfunction. It is believed that depending on the length of a relationship, there needs to be sometime for healing which truly has no time limit but should be at least one year and more if the relationship was a long time relationship. In short, Kermit has no business dating right now. Also, the fact that Denise looks just like Miss Piggy proves it.
Yes, I know that I am carrying on about two puppets but since they are available for discussion then I use them to highlight dysfunctional behavior after divorce. I still have issues with that fact that the powers that be in the media are encouraging divorce and the break up of relationships. I truly find that problematic. Again part of  the "throw it away and get a new one." It does feed a capitalist society since people starting new lives will need to buy many things and utilize professional services every time they start new but that comes with a human price. The price of pain and suffering and not just for the people breaking up but for the extended family, the children and even pets. Again, I urge everyone to be mindful of the messages that the media is sending us. We have the power to reject these ideas and not buy products associated with this dysfunction. It may be silly but if you start looking at this deeper is starts becoming morose; not cute or funny. It well known that rebound relationships don't last and why involve Denise in this situation? Both Kermit and Denise are going to end up hurt. Kermit is not ready to date yet.

The glorification of divorce and breakups

It seems every time I go online some celebrity is getting divorced. It  saddens me because it seems that no one remains married for long in our current society. Recently it was rumored that Homer and  Marge Simpson were  getting divorced, Ken and Barbie had some split a few years ago and yesterday evening Hermit and Missy Piggy announced a breakup. This came on the same week as various long term Hollywood couples announced their divorce.
I work with high conflict divorce as well as couples at various stages of divorce. Daily I witness the damage done to people by their parents' divorce as well as their own divorce. Divorce is traumatic. It is a death, and there is a grieving process associated with it.
What I don't understand is the need to divorce cartoon characters? I am wondering if Mickey and Minnie are OK.
We are society. We need to wake up to the fact that if we don't work harder at helping our friends remain together, learn to talk to each other and not condone frivolous divorces and separations we are slowly destroying our selves. There is money to be made in divorce and it feeds our capitalist roots. The buying and selling of homes, home goods, dating sites, and professional fees. But it is also a destructive force. I have been a therapist for 25 years. During my training I worked at starting groups for children whose parents were getting divorced. It now seems most kids are products of divorced families and the groups may have to be for children who live with their biological parents. Yes, I am being somewhat facetious but I see parents who remain together having a difficult time since most kids are now learning to effectively manipulate their divorced parents and many times have liberties and act out in ways children living with functional parents can not get away with.
I see a pattern where parents divorce, hit the online dating sites and become teens again. The children of these parents are lost and usually find trouble.
While there is a place for divorce in cases of abuse and other dysfunction , we have a problem when the majority, over 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. We have a bigger problem when family cartoons get divorced or separated. And for what? The perpetual " I am not happy" "He/She doesn't make me happy" Well, guess what? Your partner is not meant to make you "happy" they are not circus entertainers.
At some point we need to work on building and not destroying families. Healthy families are the foundation for the rearing of healthy children who grow up to be healthy adults. We must speak out if only with our wallets, and not support the message that after a while you leave your spouse and that is normal.
By no means are we to discriminate against the divorced but me must not encourage it. It's like getting a limb amputated, we first go to wound care and attempt to avoid the amputation.

Discussing the Duggers

I am very troubled by the information coming out on the Duggers. The information I have gathered is that a son inappropriately touched ( touched breasts ) of a female sibling(s) while she, or they slept ,and apparently nothing was done. There are reports that say that the son is viewed as a "victim" by the girls and the family. I have this information but I can not say any of it is true. What I find troubling is that there is a right and wrong way to handle these matters. First, any inappropriate touching of a sexual nature between kids is not to be ignored. Yes, young children may be curious between each other but the line is crossed if either child feels uncomfortable or if there is an age difference. Mr. Dugger being 15 years old and touching the breasts of a 5 year old is sexual molestation. Children that demonstrate sexual acting out must be evaluated to make sure that they themselves have not been abused or are in a setting where they are witnessing sexuality inappropriate for their age, including exposure to pornography. Sex between siblings, touching of sexual organs is not appropriate. This has to be addressed. If there are any doubts, see a professional. A pediatrician, a therapist, someone who works with children. Not all issues require the immediate phoning of the police. If a child is in immediate danger yes, you call 911. If you are not sure the child is being harmed , in Florida you call 1-800-96-ABUSE. Department of Children and Families will investigate. One has to get help for the child. I find this Dugger family very disturbing. They are the classic dysfunctional family. Too busy judging others but they have major dysfunction in the core of their family. My concern also is how conservative media such as FOX interview the family. It scares me that incest and sexual abuse are minimized and thereby condoned as appropriate or "normal" in some way. My heart also goes out to all the women and men who are survivors of incest and abuse. Many of these men and women have had years of treatment and may continue to be in treatment in order to deal with the abuse. Children need to be protected. We are the eyes, ears and hands to help children grow up to be healthy adults.

Reality Wasteland....

I had a professor in college make a joke about auto racing. He commented that he figured that spectators went and watched waiting for a crash. He talked about how he failed to see the point in going if it wasn't to see a fiery crash. I think of this comment as I see what television has become. I guess people watch just to watch the scandals associated with the demise of the shows. Wait long enough and there will be a sex related scandal that gets them off the air. Honey Boo Boo's momma dropped her husband and decided to date an alleged ( or not so alleged) sex offender, The Kardashians have had too many scandals to mention and continue to air dirty laundry, the Dugger's apparent mirage of clean laundry is unraveling and there is some really nasty stuff. These are just a few of the many scandals including divorces, prison sentences and dysfunction associated with television today. Have you wondered why you are watching or perhaps have chosen not to watch these so called reality shows? What is the attraction? Is it a way to compare our lives to others and perhaps feel superior? Honey Boo Boo's show was really sad. An American family that required subtitles in their own country, the mother taking her young daughter to pageants and dressing her up and having her wear make up to parade around and attempt to win prizes. There is really very little , if any value to watching such dysfunction. What happened to reading, crafts , and an other activity that does not involve watching a family totally embarrass themselves on television or highlight a family that feels it is acceptable to breed their own community. Are the Duggers at 19 children? 20? Really? As reality television became more popular, and labor was cheap, there have been less professional actors involved in the craft of entertainment. It just doesn't seem healthy to me. There are many more productive things, in my opinion, than to watch these sad, pathetic shows. The human mind needs challenge and like any muscle needs to be exercised. Sitting and watching dysfunctional families have breakdowns is just not healthy. Grab a book, go outside, listen to music expand your mind before it's too late.

Get Off The Phone!

I was somewhat impacted yesterday as I was riding around town, I couldn't believe how many people were on their phones on a Sunday morning! As I looked at cars that passed, I saw beautiful children in their cars with a parent on their cell phone. I am not even going to discuss the safety concerns, I am just highlighting the sadness of this all. Why are they on their phones? It's Sunday. Is it social, is it work? Really? As these cars passed, I saw these beautiful children just staring out the windows with blank expressions. Again, what is so important and why can't it wait? I remember being a kid and riding with my parents in their car. It seemed like a time to talk. Maybe we have some how lost the ability to talk to humans that are actually in the same physical space with us. What I witnessed yesterday seemed like lost opportunities to begin bonding with children. I see it in stores too, the parent, up ahead on the phone grabbing things from the isles, as kids follow. Relationships with your children are not established when they become teenagers and you want them to do as you say. They start at the birth of the child. Teenagers have told me many times that they have nothing in common with their parents and have never really talked or done things together ,so why then? The teenage years are a time for the child to grow and begin his/her development as an adult, the time to bond with children is when they are young. Most parents have to work and time left for family, for a married/committed relationship, children, is precious. Be more mindful of opportunities that present themselves. A Sunday morning drive is an opportunity to become more mindful of your surroundings and work on developing a healthy relationship with your companion, even if it's your family dog. Aren't they cute when they see something they like or just looking at you with adoring eyes? It's time to wake up and realize we have to put the phone down and look around. This is also an issue at bagel shops and bakeries, just get off the phone and pay attention!

Forgiveness and Lying

Turn on media, be it TV, Facebook or radio and everyone has an opinion on the Brian Williams issue. Statements I have heard are "he is the only one being punished for lying about the Iraq war." I find this logic troubling. When dealing with Mr. Williams we have to focus on the type of position he has, on the ethical expectations and requirements of his position. At this time we are not dealing with an elected official or any other professional. I assume that professional journalists are not amused or take this lightly since this affects the entire profession. While Mr. Williams has lied I think it's important to address what led to him lying. There are, I am sure, underlining issues that were present and may still be present which caused him, and causes others to do what he did. I actually saw a clip of the interview and it's interesting to see how he just went on and on embellishing the story. Of interest is Mr. Williams obvious good looks and it will be interesting to see what happens. He truly does not fit the stereotypical liar prototype, whatever that is for most people. Most people have prejudices of what a liar or "bad" guy may look like and Mr. Williams' features and "looks" are not what most people typically think of as "bad"or "liar." I will guess that we will be hearing more as time passes and that this will affect the way people perceive journalism and the media in general. All issues of lying are to be taken seriously. It is not appropriate behavior especially for professionals in esteemed positions. We need to trust and we need to trust professionals, all professionals. If people believe that more people need to be given consequences for inappropriate behavior or actions during and about Iraq then they should start grassroots groups and work toward change. We can not just let someone lie and let it be okay. Regarding the future, we can forgive Mr. Williams but he needs to do some personal work to correct any personal issues that he may have which prompted him to lie. We need to help Mr. Williams confront his demons. It will ultimately help him and even make him a better journalist and human being.

It's Important to tell the truth

It goes with out saying that one should not lie, but people do. Why? There are actually numerous reasons but people lie, usually, to avoid consequence or punishment. It is truly destructive to any relationship when there are lies. One's first question is, what have they lied about before? Suddenly, everything they have done or said is looked at through a different filter. I am obviously talking about lies as in not telling the truth. What triggered my thinking is this issue about Brian Williams, the television anchor. He apparently lied about being in a helicopter in Iraq that was fired at and that needed to land. Why, oh why, did he do that? I do not know him and can not answer the question. For some reason he made the story up. Perhaps he needed attention? It's not clear. Now there are other lies. The lies of deception and cheating. These can occur in any partnership including romantic, marital and even business. For some reason, be it childhood traumas or others, people cheat, steal and ultimately hurt other people. For the "victim" it becomes very challenging to trust others and it's not uncommon to see them unable to form healthy relationships for several years if ever. As I have written before, no person is an island and we influence and affect others by our actions. Many times the "hurter" may have suffered a childhood trauma. Perhaps there was abandonment, or they may have witnessed the same actions done by one parent to the other. I see people cheat on their spouses through the life span. I have had senior citizens that have cheated and have "stolen" the couples life savings. I say stolen because these marital assets belong to both and one person decides to take it all and sometimes even disappear. There some people that even give their lovers money. Again, these people that act poorly have low self-esteem because do you really need to pay people to be with you? I will say that for the senior citizens there was prior cheating in most cases. Again, the lying needs to stop but in some cases it never does because lies are created to cover up the initial lies. I have met with people who just can't stop lying and the longer they do this the worse the consequences are. For many people, the fear of consequences is great and they fail to see that it is only making the situation worse. People who have noticed a pattern of lying need to look back and explore how they started. What was the pattern of communication at home? Were they punished severely for lying and then admitting it? Once you have explored the origin then you can start on changing the behavior. Thinking before you speak so that you give yourself time to not immediately just tell a lie. Lying is the worst poison you can use to totally ruin a reputation or a relationship. Lying is not acceptable and no good will come of it.