Success

Are you successful? Ha, this is not such an easy question is it? How do you measure success? Is it the size of the car you drive, make or model? Your income? Or is it as simple as how you feel? Do you feel successful? I once heard it asked, "Who is more successful, Mother Theresa or Donald Trump? Well? The answer to this is based on your values. If you value public service, building community and/or are faithful, spiritual, religious you might answer, Mother Theresa is more successful. Here is a woman who chose to live in poverty, build community and work at helping people who were very poor, weak, dying and in essence, the disenfranchised. There were no "movers and shakers" being helped there. The contrast then is Donald Trump. He is vastly wealthy, it is evident he has some "ego issues" as evidenced on national political news, and has had a few marriages. The man is known for his financial wealth. It is obvious that you will choose your own personal response to my question. What do I think? As I have matured in both my career in mental health and my life I'd say that each was successful in what they wanted to do. I think society's issue is that we, as a society, have neglected to value what people like Mother Theresa have done and do and focus only on finances. The reality is that money is necessary, not necessarily evil but a means to pay for necessities of life. Some necessities of life. We seem to lack balance. We need to value the "helping professions" and give them the same importance we give to careers in management and finances. We need social workers, teachers, peace makers and we also need accountants and business people. We also have to value them all the same. I truly feel we have weakness and strengths and we are born with talents to make this a better world. I think we get in to trouble by forcing young people in to careers they lack aptitude just because " you have to make money" Getting a little spiritual here, I would say that we have to be careful we don't idolized money. Money is not a God, it is a means to trade goods and services. As I have hit mid life with a few bumps and bruises, I have learned the key to happiness. I am also willing to share, and not sell it. (Insert laughter) Learn who you are, what your strengths and weaknesses are. Love the good and bad in you. Try to be the best you can. Be happy with you and who you are. "Grow where you are planted." Happiness is about appreciating and being grateful for what you have. Look around, count your blessings and be happy.

Seasons......

A few years ago, and I don't know how I started to think this way, I began to see the benefit of looking at nature, as way to get answers about life's questions. Maybe looking at nature as God's way of communicating with us, I am still not sure. We have four seasons and we notice it's not a quick change, it's more of a gradual change. We learn that as bad as a rainy day is, it will stop raining and we will have beautiful sunshine and flowers and green space as a result. As great as that sunny day is, the day when it gets too hot will come and we will get the rainy day to save us from the hot weather. There is beauty in nature as there is beauty in our lives. Yes, there is ugliness, death and violence in nature as well. I believe that we all would benefit from getting in touch with nature. Get out of the house, go outside in any weather, feel it. Walk more and get out of the bubble with wheels. Getting in touch with nature will get you in touch with yourself, and knowing yourself with help you connect with others. Nature, in all it's grace, is such a beautiful thing. Nature is therapy. Make time every week to get out, don't drive, don't watch TV but connect, commune with nature. There is beauty in the infant, there is beauty in the elderly person with many wrinkles sitting in the park. We must live every season of our life in a mindful manner. Enjoy the beauty and awkwardness of every season. Oh, to be a teenager or in your 20's with life ahead yet the fear. To be 40 and 50 and remember that fear and laugh, "how silly" yet at 40 and 50 we have other fears. The fears that an 80 year old would laugh at "how silly". Every season of our lives will be challenging but we need to see the gift in it. While it is difficult to understand, I finally understand how there can be a gift even in difficult times. Childbirth brings fear and pain while creating life and a new family. Death brings grief yet a time to reconnect with family and celebrate a life lived. Find the joy and sunshine, accept your rain, it will make you a better person. It makes you who you are. Happy Summer.

Anger

Anger. The word alone makes us think of something that is wrong, that needs correcting or that should not happen. I guess we have been trained that it is a "bad" thing. Well, I will tell you that anger is a feeling, an emotion just like any other. I guess the best example I can give right now, is that it can best be compared to pain. Not just because many times a person in physical or emotional pain will either look or behave like they are angry, but because anger is also a warning to us that something is not right. First, anger is a feeling, it is ok. What is not OK is what we do with the anger, what our behavior may be. While we are not in "control" of the feeling of anger, we are in control of our behavior. Interesting to find talk about anger in the Bible of all places. No mention of it being outright bad, just that we need to contol it. In Ephesians 4:26 "In anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are angry. The problem many people have with anger is that they don't address issues when they first occur they "bottle it up" and " explode" after a while. For others the expression of anger is seen as powerful. A way to control others. This is usually learned from childhood where adults displaying this behavior taught the children that it was a way to be powerful. Most people want to be powerful, just like their cartoon characters, so the lesson was, display anger and you are in control. Later in life this causes all sorts of problems. There are many "anger management classes" and many people for a variety of reasons get referred, usually by Court, for treatment or "classes". Most times they don't work. Why? Because the person being referred is referred, or told by another to go, so it doesn't work. Like any "problem" one has to become aware of it and then want to change. Anger is not an "all or nothing feeling/emotion" unless there is some psychiatric or neurological condition. Things annoy people and people tend to be lazy or shy and let things go..... but it only gets so far. One needs to be in touch with one's emotions, one needs to address concerns or feelings when they happen while in an appropriate, none judgemental manner. Own the feeling, tell others " I feel...." with out accusing or judging. Be considerate of others and if the other person does not want to talk "right then" agree on a mutual agreeable time. It is ok to feel angry, it is not OK to attack others or be mean.

Happy New Year 2014

Oh, the pressure. Last day of the year. If you listen to radio, TV or open Facebook, there is mention that tomorrow you start with a clean slate. Oh, the pressure for perfection, for change , for happiness. Don't let all the hoopla get to you. You may decide you want to make changes, you may want a new job, to work out, what ever it is. Think about this, and and truly see if this is the best time for change. If you decide to , then be kind to yourself, change will take time and you will fail. But that failure should not be the end but just a stepping stone toward your goal. Don't buy into the pressure. Know that change takes time. Allow yourself to fail but return. Maybe just focus on what you think should change. Take baby steps. Again, change takes time. Be reasonable. Happy New year and be safe! Happy 2014.

Free Speech

Maybe because before I became a therapist, I acquired an undergraduate degree in political science, I find that this country has a poor understanding of Free Speech. Last incident I am aware of is what those Duck Dynasty characters said about homosexuality. This is just the recent of many nasty ccomments made about other's race, sexual orientatation, etc. Our forefathers never intended for Americans to stand in a street corner or the exquivalnet, today's internet, and shoot off negative comments to other Americans. I clearly remember when I studied constitutional law, that there ARE limits to free speech. Free speech is not the same as diarhea of the mouth. There are limits as in "responsibilities" such as you do not yell "FIRE" in a crowded movie theather just because... It is obvious that this country needs a lesson in civics. Perhaps we need to turn off reality tv and read government and history books. There is a huge "brain drain" in the making in this country.

What do men want? What do women want?

I have written previously about self-help books so you all know how I feel about that. I hear people ask, what do men want? What do women want? Well, people, it aint that simple, yet it's very simple indeed. It's not what "men want" it's not what "women want", it's what the person that is right for you wants and what YOU want. Every relationship is different and infact a "mystery". In a nutshell, we all seek partners that meet our needs. If we have issues, if we are accustomed to dsyfunction, we may be more comfortable with dsyfunction that we are willing to admit so we may find ourselves in dsyfunctional relationships with out really wanting to. This applies to both men and women. First thing I tell people is "get a life" Who are you? What are your interests, desires,life goals? Find out and live. Once you have established your life, your identity, have made friends, you are in a better position to blend and mesh your life with the "right" partner. No one is perfect and you are not perfect. It doesn't matter how many days you go to Church, confession, therapy, You are not perfect. If you think you are , I suggest you quickly get off that kick. The key to success is being aware that neither you or your parnter are perfect but each respects the other. I say that you should feel that person " has your back". You should feel safe, understood and that what that person knows about you is not going to be used against you. I recommend you " learn who you are" , get a life, make friends, build community; put your heart in that. Really, put your heart into it, don't just volunteer at the homeless shelter because you want to meet someone nice. Grow and develop yourself and I am sure , in the community you build you will find suitable people and hopefully a date and eventually a life partner, spouse or whatever you are truly looking for. Build a life!

Happy Thanksgiving ????

After reading and hearing about what is going to happen this year during Thanksgiving Day, I am concerned and sad. Thanksgiving is the American holiday where families and friends get together to give thanks and/or eat Turkey and fixings together, and perhaps even watch football together. What is important about Thanksgiving is that families get together. The American family has been hit hard. Divorce rates are high, families do not share meals together, everyone seems to be running in one or another direction and no one spends quality time together. If all that was bad, we are losing our day to gather together and "regroup" as families and friends. Slowly, consumerism has snuck in, stores opened for a few hours here and there on Thanksgiving but this year the message is loud. Thanksgiving is in danger of dying. If you scroll your facebook page, you find a lot of messages about grace, about gratitude, perhaps we are starving for some meaning, for spirituality, a higher power? God? Yes, dare I say, GOD! I am sad by the reality that we can lose Thanksgiving, but I also have hope left. Hope that the people of American are not seduced by the sales at Walmart, Kmart and all the other stores planning to open at 6am on Thanksgiving. Oy, the thought! I am not an economist, a politician or a "numbers" person. Just a concerned therapist. I will let others discuss the financial value of having stores open at 6am on Thanksgiving. I will focus on what I see as the dangers, the losses I see. First, there will be mothers and fathers working, probably with out a choice, and not being home with their children for the holiday. No day to give or teach grace, family values and another day for children to get with the wrong crowd because there are no parents around. Not that the parents don't want to be there, but they are told they have to fill a shift at Walmart. No, mom and dad are not doctors and nurses helping the sick, they are minimum wage employees who have to lose a holiday with their child and their child be just like orphans. Sad. One of our political parties used to yell out and say there were "big" on family values. Really? What are they thinking now? About this, where are they? This is a major family and cultural value. If we continue to chase the almighty dollar we are doomed. This nation needs to look at what is really important. I am hopeful that the American people wake up and realize we have to take back Thanksgiving. We need our families, friends, communities; and not just the online, we need to talk and use our vocal cords, look at people. Let's take back Thanksgiving. There will be plenty of time to shop. I believe this year Hanukkah is also on Thanksgiving. No shopping please!!! Wait until 12 pm.... We still have power. Let the power of the people be strong, save Thanksgiving and then go hog wild shopping if you must.