The merging of blogs?

 I may have said it before here, but I say it frequently. Technology is not my friend!!!! 

Many years ago, I started the blog - Coping with life issues, just ask Libia. Then one day it did not work. I then created " My thoughts, by Dr. Libia Casas, DSW, LCSW, BCD." 

As of today, they appear to have married each other or merged. My post for today appeared in the old blog that I started a long time ago. 

😕

January 2026

 Here we are. Day 4 of 2026. 

Last year was difficult for many people for a variety of reasons. Last year started with shootings and fires. I thought as this year started how quiet it seemed in comparison. Fast forward to the 3rd day of the year and the United States arrested the President or president (you decide, as it is said that he was not the true leader) of Venezuela after several bombings by the US, and the man is currently under arrest along with his wife in a New York City jail. Apparently, the US will be taking a role in running Venezuela now. There are also massive demonstrations in Iran due to economic crisis. These are just highlights of international events. Just 250 miles from where I am sitting, there is an island that has severe public health issues, along with lack of democracy, and severe economic problems. I say an island but in fact there is also at least one more island that also is suffering but is mentioned less. This is a window into the international landscape that greets 2026. 

Nationally, people are waiting to see exactly what their health insurance premiums will be. It has been predicted that most people will see an increase of more than double what they paid last year. The subsidies are gone. It has been predicted that this will affect even those people who receive health insurance through their employer. 

Again, just some highlights. Now, I don't want to focus on doom and gloom. What do people do to remain mentally healthy and stable in unstable times?
Honestly, there is no easy answer and there is no one thing to do. 

There are those who are civically minded and feel a need to get involved. For those I say yes, do that but remember to take "mental health breaks" and take care of yourself. Eat right, sleep, and take time for nonpolitical activities. 

For others, similar advice. Sleep, eat right, connect with friends and family, and maybe catch a dumb funny movie or book to unplug so you literally don't overheat. 

Now, let's break this down: 

1. Sleep. This you make a priority, not an afterthought. Create a sleep cycle of about 7-8 hours daily without major alterations on the weekend. 

2. Eat right. That means you watch your portions and balance protein and good carbs along with veggies and fruits. Prioritize hydration with water. 

3. Create your "stress free zone" at home where you can just relax. Maybe even doing a progressive relaxation exercise where you start at one end of your body traveling down while briefly holding your breath and letting go. You do this as you tense and relax your entire body. For more of these I recommend that you go to YouTube and search mindfulness exercises and/or progressive relaxation and find one that you like and works for you. 

It's day 4 and we don't know what will happen as we journey through out this year. One thing you can control is your bag of skills to get you through. 

Wishing you all a Happy Year! 

"I will let the judge decide"

 As a Parenting Coordinator and in my work in co-parenting counseling, I work with parents who are in high conflict and have difficulty following the parenting plan post-divorce or separation. 

Divorce is traumatic for people, add parenting and co-parenting, and the stress increases. In addition, it is difficult communicating with the person you are in the process of divorce/separation. These situations have clogged the Courts, and the reason parents are referred to Parent Coordinators or for counseling, whether individual or family, is because judges do not want to make the decisions for your family. It is truly not their place, and they are referring you so that you learn the skills to help your particular child/children. 

Please do not believe that a judge is the best person to decide what is best for your children. You had these children, and they are a part of you. You may be angry with your co-parent ( the other parent), but at the end of the day, you two are the best qualified to decide and make the decision for your offspring. 

Granted, I am generalizing, and there are unique issues that may prevent a parent from deciding. Still, the ones that I am referring are divorced/separated who are angry at their former partner and, in anger, say, " I will let the judge decide."

If anger controls your communication style, your ability to co-parent, please seek help. 

Help may come as a support group for separated and divorced or individual counseling. In addition, large employers have a service called Employee Assistance Program ( EAP). You can learn more about them from your Human Resource Department. This free service connects you with counselors familiar with your particular issue.

I recommend seeking counseling/help because you will be co-parenting until your children are 18 years old and even further. So please, seek help to better communicate with your child's other parent.  

Once again, thank you for reading.  

Hello

 People that know me have probably heard me say " technology is not my friend" 

I have no idea how I am back here but I am. Yay! We must celebrate since  I have no idea when I will be back. Not that I don't want to or that I don't pay the Google fee but I can't get in sometimes. 

Well, I am here now and will rejoice. My blog entry today is not about this, by the way.

So, I do spend a lot of time in my head and have accepted my nerdiness in my "old age"

What I really was musing about this morning was, how we generally believe it's both parties' fault when a relationship breaks up. Is it, though? I have recently been researching trauma, intergenerational and historical trauma.  That got me thinking. 

Why do we select the partners we do? 

Could it be?

it's time to get married

It's time and I want babies

I need to leave my situation

I want a green card

He/She/They are cute, hot, sexy...... 

Ask anyone and they will have a reason. They may tell you or not but there was some dynamic going on. 

What we rarely know, especially if when we are young, is what trauma the person may have survived, and how it has affected them.  

We, adults, know that children experience trauma. Sexual abuse, neglect, abandonment are just some of the big Ts ( Big Traumas) and there are the little ts too- smaller traumas. 

Not everyone that experiences trauma will suffer from a psychological condition but how that trauma was dealt with influences the person. 

Sometimes you meet people who tell you their life was and is perfect. They had an ideal life, and you know what? They may have but most people don't since "perfection" does not exist. So, be aware of those that profess to be perfect. 

Historical trauma is more of cultural trauma. It's trauma from situations such as refugee experiences, segregation, and the like. 

Intergenerational trauma is when those lived experiences are not worked through psychologically and the trauma is passed on through generations. How? Well, the survivors of the trauma are psychologically affected thereby reacting. What can happen is poor parent-child bonding and various other issues that affect the child and this can move generation to generation. 

Now, when it's time to select a partner, people either want what they know, want different, or settle for what's around. 

Needless to say, each partner has a lot of baggage that we all carry. 

Something we say in trauma-informed care is - we don't ask " what is wrong with you?" we ask " what happened to you?" 

At some point in relationships, you have to make the relationship be the focus over the interests of the partners. We need need to balance and care for each other. The 50/50 may go to 100/1 for a brief time and that is ok- or any variation of that, as long as it's not there all the time. We need to focus on our growth and awareness of our history and how it affects us today. That goes to understanding our partners' as well. 

We select who we select and many times are not aware of traumas. So, is it fair to place the demise of a relationship on both partners? Let me know what you think.

This is not also in romantic relationships but in our friendships as well. We can be kind. Kind to ourselves and others. 

Let's sprinkle a little kindness in our lives this week. 

Thank you for reading. Let me know your thoughts and hope to be back soon. 

Mindful Holiday Shopping

The world is on fast forward and I figured I should write about the Holidays. I mean to include holidays where there is shopping for others. I personally only am aware of Hanukkah and Christmas, that is my knowledge base.

The season of giving where most people great debt for themselves. So what do I say?  "stop!"

Those of us raised in the United States,  are raised to believe that we must GIVE during this season.
 " It is better to give than to receive." That is all good and that goes for charity organizations. The end of year is when folks look for a tax deduction and look for charities that they want to help. Does that sound cold? That folks look for tax deductions, well it's a reality.

My focus today is really on the consumer, the average person and their outlook on the holiday.
Global warming and the environment are a controversial issue but the reality is there is a lot of plastic and a lot of waste and it gets to be too much. Again, it's controversial but let's look at storage units and how many people have things in storage, paying several thousands of dollars a year directly being deducted from an account or credit card, because we pay but we don't want to know how much. Too painful!

Every event , from kids birthday parties on up has bags of "goodies" most not that good and we take stuff out of the bag and say " what do I do with this?!" " Ugh, more crap"

We have several different type of "dollar stores " that sell things we truly don't need. Let's think of the square footage that is taking up. We don't need more stuff!

So then comes Christmas and Hanukkah. Many are socialized to believe that they have to give a gift that " says something" - meaning, the person getting it will " know they are respected, loved," fill in the blank.

So we stress ourselves, fight each other at the mall parking lot, and create general unhappiness in order to celebrate a holiday that we end up forgetting what we are celebrating.

Hint, hint:  you don't have to go broke, you can give a cute gift. You don't have to buy the car like the commercial tells you to. No need for the expensive jewelry. Instead, spend time with people. Remember these people during the year not just in December. Best advice, enjoy the season with people who's company you enjoy. You don't have to buy a bunch of " stocking stuffers" that will eventually stuff an old drawer at some one's house.

Relax, enjoy, take time off and relax as you enter 2020.

Thanks for reading. You can also find me on Facebook: Libia Casas, LCSW
and Instagram PsychLibiaLCSW.

Hello!

Hello everyone!

It's nice to be here to write. I have had this blog since 2009 and it has gone through peaks and valleys.  Paying Google to have the name and then having issues with payment and Google is not easy to assess. Sometimes we want to talk to a person! Not just emails - one time having been speaking to people that wanted payment in "gift cards" - Like No!

So here I am for now. But I digress

It's the end of the year. Sure it's only November 18th but people are decorating for Christmas- someone made a left turn in front of me and they were carrying a Christmas tree on top of their car two days ago!

Yes, we have Thanksgiving to celebrate. This holiday is becoming as divided as this country! The connection between the holiday, colonialism , birthrights and citizenship. Religious people discuss the "thanksgiving " part of it. Members of "interesting families" cope with the fact they will have to see Aunt/Uncle XXX, Tio/TiaXXXX and possibly defend anything from their right to be single, gay, childless, Democrat or Republican.

Let's set boundaries for the holiday. Rules!
Yes, sounds dry and not very lovely with  music in the background but if any of the above affects you, I say you discuss rules and boundaries prior to meeting up with the family.
What is it? "An ounce of prevention...….."
Whatever it is , you may want to plan accordingly for the holiday. Not just what you are eating but what topics are permissible and which are not.

For those with major changes, try to inject a new tradition in the holiday. Focus on enjoying the moment. Those toxic relatives, you are not going to change them, try "ignoring" for one day. Not advocating here for "codependency" but all battles are not worth fighting. Do it for yourself.
Have a great Thanksgiving and thank you for reading.
You can also follow me on Facebook at Libia Casas, LCSW and on Instagram at Psychlibialcsw.

Toxicity in Positiveness

Have you ever heard someone say, " she's  nice and all but she has so much drama"  " oh, she's got so much drama"  " I am staying away, she's got too much going on" " oh, I can only be around happy people, not people with drama"

Have we possibly abandoned our friends and family when they most need it? In times of drama and stress.

Listen when you are out and people are talking. No one wants to deal with the ugly in life but the  ugly in life is going to happen, we can't stop it.
In  the age of YOLO ( you only live once)  FOMO ( fear of missing out) and a quest for beauty and permanent youth, we may have never grown out of adolescence. We don't want to be old, we don't want to be near the old ( be it people , cars or homes) and we discard the old to bring in the new.

We seem to be blindly running away from what we think is sad and just doesn't suite us. People leave their long term marriages , men usually want to trade their partners for a younger model and " do over".  In  their 50s men feel they can start over as if they were 30. This is slightly different for women since there is an end to childbearing, however, there is the knife and surgery can help them make changes.

So every action has a consequence. We have and continue to create a world where we are not just hurting the environment with the garbage we produce but we are creating societal garbage. We have taken our souls and just threw them out. We don't empathize or even sympathize. We say " oooh, that is too sad, best not get involved"

We need to get out the mindset that we "must remain positive" "we must avoid drama". While I don't recommend we go find toxic people for hang outs, I do think we need to get out of ourselves and reach out to help others. In the circle of life, I help you, you help him, he helps another and we all play a role in making this life a more meaning healthy place to be.
Peace.

A lesson from the Cohen , Trump situation.

This is not political. That being said let's explore what can be learned from this situation that our children are exposed to on a regular basis. By the way, don't think they don't know. I have had children tell me their thoughts about what they have some how become aware of with out any prompting.

So as I write this, the question plastered in the media today is, " who do you believe?"
That reminds me of the story of the boy that cried wolf. He lied and lied and one day he told the truth and no one believed him. This situation is a teachable moment for parents to work with their kids on the consequences of lying.

You don't have to get political. You can discuss how here is someone speaking and because he has lied in the past, others are having a very difficult time believing him and he may just be telling the truth but no one is comfortable believing him.

Children learn from example, and that example is, parents, teachers and all adults they are exposed to. Obviously parents need to work on being truthful but also talk through experiences where others, especially other adults, are not being honest. Children are like sponges and yes, the community including extended family and media play a role. Plan on talking to your kids this weekend.

So I think I am back.

Technology is not my friend! I keep saying that. I think I am back up. Ugh.
Hoping this works. It's a change from the last name- long story with Google and the " gift card" for payment. Like no, that sounds like a scam. So in the process I was lost for over a year! I was not paying Google with a gift card.
Will be back soon!

UGH!

So I noticed yesterday that I have not blogged since February.  I am also having problems with my domain since I want to pay for it but it's impossible. Yes, impossible because there is no human you can contact at Google and while I spoke to some humans claiming to be from Google, I still am not sure. I am told that I can not pay with a credit card over the phone.  It's time to renew payment but it's gotten rather complicated. So, I am blogging today hoping for the best here. I hope you all can still follow me at blogspot.com.

SO much has happened in the last few months. We have had hurricanes, fires, earthquakes, floods. We have world leaders calling each other names and talking about bombing each other. Seems like everywhere you turn you hear ugly news.

No, it's not the end of times but I am sure that these times will be spoken about in the future. The era of natural disasters and ugly times where people are just rude to each other. No, not everyone but it's the bad potatoes that get the attention.

I think we need to focus on kindness. What happened to " treat people like you want them to treat you?" Just look at the healthcare debate and all that has happened up to this day on this. Health care should not be political, and why can't everyone be taken care of when sick or have preventive care so they don't get sick.

We need to be cautious to not idolize money. Hoarding riches and money does not bring happiness. To deny people something as essential as health because they don't have money or because they may have had another illness prior is just plain wrong.  I see it very simple, the richest person on the planet can be affected by the unhealthy uninsured person, who may be ill and unable to get healthcare. How, you ask? Let's say that the richest person on the planet dines at an exquisite place. Let's say that the assistants at the restaurant do not have health care and have ( name a communicable disease) . This person in the kitchen can not afford to take time off work, comes to work sick  because they are unable to get care. Well, it is very possible that richest person may acquire an illness because of the situation I just mentioned.

Can we start caring for ourselves and for others? Remember the concept of love? Love thy neighbor as yourself? Of course , you have to like yourself to do that. Let's try and jump off the rat race a bit and enjoy life. Enjoy experiences and relationships. Hoarding money and material things , as we have seen recently, very quickly can be gone. Living in joy and community fills you up more. Think of it as protein to your carbs!

Be well peeps.

Parenting in the era of smart phones.....

I guess I am a curious person. I observe behaviors and reactions in the general public.

I walked in to my local grocery store the other morning and there was an elderly lady sitting at the entrance. It was early in the morning and felt I should say, "good morning" I did.

Growing up,  my parents and my parents' peers seemed to always be asking us, " Did you greet so and so?" Yes, totally embarrassing us and forcing us to greet friends and strangers alike. We needed to be polite.

Fast forward to the era of smart phones. What do I see? Parents on their phones either talking or texting and their kids just walking behind them not able to speak because parents are otherwise distracted. Oh, and I have had children in my practice upset that mom or dad is " always on the phone"

But, in this new era. The era where we are apparently being trained to be none feeling, robots , unable to engage socially with others in real time. What happens?
There is no, " honey , did you say good morning to....?" While kids are off the hook, we are not properly socializing our kids, are we? 

I think something is lost. I feel that kids no longer know what to do socially in real-time. I hope we don't end up unable to speak and that we eventually will sit with others texting each other because we have lost our social/ verbal  skills.

We seriously need to budget our smart phone time. People have fallen and I imagine we are prey to thieves if we walk around staring at our phones. Parenting is a 24 hour, 7 day a week job. It's in the little things. It's talking to our kids as we see things, share about our lives at that age.
We need social relationships, we need for them to be in real-time.

Let's become more mindful of our online time. Kids need adults. They need relationships, and we are modeling "normal" behavior. All of us, even childless adults. Kids are watching.

Happy Valentine's Day y'all !

So some people will be happy tomorrow, some will pretend to be happy and then some will just go with the flow and enjoy a day of friendship regardless of relationship status.

St. Valentine's Day has become one of those capitalist days. A day to buy and spend money.
How much you spend on a friend, spouse or lover? ( hopefully you won't have to buy for all three)- oops, just inserting some inappropriate humor here.
Regardless of relationship status go have fun, eat some chocolate even if you have to buy it yourself. Heck, if you buy it yourself you know what you are getting.

Even NPR was on the" buy roses" kick. It was for a good reason, it was all donation based as they were fundraising but some people are very sensitive about this day. They feel they must have a date. But really? Just going out to be somewhat coupled can be yucky, unless you like the person. Besides, restaurants are packed, service staff is stressed and it can get pricey.

Happy Valentine's Day , go be with those who make you happy. That can be a spouse, lover, cat, dog or good platonic friend.  Relax.

Presidential Elections 2016.

So we are two days post the election. This election was different from previous elections in the United States.

18 months of campaigning, in what was best described as an unusual election.
This is NOT a political post. This is a "let's talk and keep our sanity" post, primarily because at the end the day, we all have to return to work and have responsibilities.

No one knows the future, we only know the present.
In politics, as in any other aspect of life, we all have an opinion. Some people support President- elect Trump and others Secretary Rodman Clinton. Yes, she always liked to add her maiden name and it's sad she doesn't use it anymore, since I never know which Clinton they are talking about. But I digress.

People of all ages were upset yesterday. Others cheered. Because the Trump supporters are thrilled, and there is anguish with the others, I will address coping skills for those who voted, supported  Rodham Clinton and feel "scared" with a Trump-Pence future.

I think we have to stop, turn off social media, TV and breathe. "ground" yourself. What "grounds" you? That is anything that helps you relax excluding food, drugs, sex or alcohol. Yep, sorry I stopped the party. Let's think hobbies, exercise and time with family/friends. Perhaps meditation or prayer. Perhaps reading.

Focus on the here and now. We can not worry about tomorrow nor can we go back to yesterday. No, not possible. Not even if you have the red cap ( sorry, I had to- humor is important)

Sit with yourself and check in to your thoughts. What are your thoughts? What worries you? What scares you?
Doing this should give you insight into what is going on with you. Your thoughts and worries are yours, and another person's is different. so focus on you.


We have witness some real ugly, none professional, sexists and racist behaviors come from this campaign. I guess we all think that we were done with that. However, as some people say. the "struggle is real". Life is  a journey and life is very much like the seasons, like the ocean. There are ups and downs and there is change. Life is not static, it is dynamic. While we may sleep , we can not be asleep in life, through out life.

As I observed some unusual campaigning and behavior, I wondered how survivors of abuse, bullying, or sexual assault felt. I felt that some of Mr. Trump's behavior could potentially be triggers for people, especially women who have had experience with an abuser , especially a man.  Rodham Clinton handled it remarkably well at least on camera. But domestic violence survivors and others may be affected. That behavior could trigger memories of previous abuse. I would recommend anyone experiencing this to please find a therapist to speak to. Watching that on social media or TV could trigger anxiety and it's best to seek professional help.

We can not expect our elected officials to do for us , just because. They are people, and as "people" they are flawed.

We must be involved in our world. That means being aware, being involved in our political process and being civically involved. It's our country and we must take care of it. Become an elected official, help support an elected official, become an advocate.

Michael Moore said it better than me, but he wrote about the fact that we have not lost America. In fact, Rodham Clinton won the popular vote. That means that America was with her. What happened is that our founding fathers created the electoral college so that changes things. Each state has a certain number of votes and that is what ultimately counts.

So this means we need to work with what we have now, but we need to feel empowered and keep an eye on what happens in government. If we are not happy we must speak up. Find like minded people and advocate for the change you want.

Both political parties have clubs. Find one near you and join. You will meet like minded people and you will therefore not be isolated.

Be mindful of social media, we tend to spend too much time online and too much of that just creates stress. Focus on critical thinking. Question things! Just because  Joe Blow says something, do some research before you get all worked up. Be mindful of what you watch on TV and get real facts not just crazy propaganda.

Limit your time to news and political commentary. All that is always going to be there. When you get back from exercising or reading a great book, that is going to be there. No, the world is not going to end. Breathe and understand that if Rodham Clinton got the popular vote, we don't live in a racist, ugly country. WE ARE THE PEOPLE, WE ARE THE PEOPLE OF THE UNITED STATES.

peace and love be with you. Together we can.

Health care, Money and Ethics.................

Ethics and Healthcare 101
Everyone wants to make a profit and that is understandable. However, is the "sky is the limit" when it comes to profiting on essentials that humans need? There are needs and there are wants. An EPI pen and any type of medication is need not a want. A want is a vacation, new clothes etc, They are not essentials to live. I need asthma medication, I want a new pair of shoes.
Actually, I need shoes but I don't need designer shoes.
To profit on "needs..." creates an ethical issue. There are some professionals that do pro bono work if the recipient is unable to afford the service and this is a "need" for that person.
Yes, there should and needs to be a charge for medical equipment and services, but the ethical issue remains at the profit level.
Unfortunately, people who have a chronic illness are many times blamed for their illness. What did they eat? What was their lifestyle? Perhaps as a way to justify a term called "price gauging". If you want to make endless amounts of money, go sell "wants" not "needs". As you count your trillions, dear CEOs of drug companies, you may want to say a prayer for those that died unable to buy the extremely expensive medications. The mothers, fathers, children, now dead because they could not afford those medications. They worked hard, they just could not afford them. Enjoy your trillions, however, happiness is not found there.

Divorce Anniversary; A celebration, mourning or commemoration

So, what do you do on the anniversary of your divorce? What is an appropriate thing to do? What is healthy? Well, there are many kind of divorces yet the core of each divorce is a marriage that ended. Endings are never pretty is what I say.
As a therapist I have been working with divorce because it is part of life. As I matured, as a clinician with an interest in learning, I found myself in a Family Mediation course , necessary for becoming a Parenting Coordinator which means I not only work with divorce, I work with high conflict divorce involving children; part of my practice is family reunification, that means rebuilding a broken relationship between parents and their children.
So, what to do on the anniversary of your divorce? It depends on who you ask. Some people throw parties and others mourn.
I feel it's important to acknowledge that day and look back, and see ,what you have accomplished or perhaps haven't. Perhaps we should not let the day go to waste.  It can be an annual "evaluation" of your life just like they do in most work environments.
It's not always easy being a divorced therapist. Many times people call and ask, "are you married?" because for them, they don't want to go see a therapist who has been divorced.  Yet others want someone who was divorced and survived the earthquake, as I call it. Some see a divorced therapist as anti marriage, anti family. The reality is you can't make everyone happy and you can't please everyone. Yes, today is the sixth anniversary of my divorce. In that time I have worked to unify some parent-children relationships, I have helped couples learn to communicate with each other  because yes, a divorced therapist still believes in keeping families healthy.
So there is myself the person, and myself the therapist. I continue to practice family and marital therapy and just this week finished working with a couple that improved their communication and trust and left smiling on their way to dinner together.
Now, for myself, I have the benefit today of Facebook that showed me what I have posted for the past six years. In that time, I have met many new people, have started participating in duathlons, have placed and have even mentored others. I have focused on intellectual pursuits and have had the time to focus on myself and refocus. As the GPS says , " recalculating". Yes, recalculating my life journey.
So if you or anyone you know is facing divorce, just remember, when there is a hurricane or an earthquake, there will be rebuilding. Use the time you have wisely to heal. Rebounding into a new relationship is never a good idea. I know, everyone refuses to listen and the "street" recommendation is " get out there". No, not just yet. Just like when the GPS says, "recalculating", wait and refocus. Give yourself time. It does get better.
Thank you for reading!

Happy Mother's Day

The word on the street, as they say, is HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY this weekend. The commercials, sales and the popular culture is all about celebrating mother.
The public perception or cultural story is that everyone had or has a great mother who sacrificed and helped them grow into who they are today. That being the story, we celebrate the memory or the presence of that person on Mother's Day.
Like most things, Mother's Day is complicated because not  everyone owns that story.
But, let's not make it so.
Honor the woman or women that were there for you. A special teacher, an aunt, a neighbor, an older female sibling or just your female friend who happens to be a mother.
If you are in pain on Mother's Day, acknowledge it but do not stay there all day. There is someone around to acknowledge and celebrate with.
To those that are mothers and/or have their mothers around by all means acknowledge the day and be grateful.
To all women I say, Happy Mother's Day.

work, stress, and behavior

It was hard coming up with a title for this. I just read on the news the following scenario:
female correction officer charged with rape after having sex with male inmate and allegedly providing him with drugs. She feels she was "played a fool" and because inmates in that correctional center do not have the right to consent, it is thereby rape.

Yes, under that law/rule, it is rape because there is no consent from the inmate and there is the "power" issue. The correctional officer is the person in power just like elders, teachers and employers.

What hit me first though, as I read this was not the obvious here, but I thought about how we are rehabilitating our inmates and what is happening in our prison system.

More and more, prisons are becoming "for profit" centers. I question how much "supervision" and "education" is being provided to the correction officers.

In any setting where the "staff" is supervising or tending to people without "consent" it is very easy for the boundaries to be blurred. Before we chastise the correction officer as has become common in social media , let's think about all the hours they put in to their jobs, locked in with these inmates. With familiarization and time together, life in prison becomes normal for both the inmate and the correction officer and it is the responsibility of the supervisors and managers to be on the look out for friendships and possible romantic relationships. Perhaps moving staff around so they don't spend too much time in one unit may be helpful.

Yes, this takes time, dedication and money. As in health care, this is not an industry that can be made for profit. The consequences to society as a whole are immense. No one is helped when mutually emotionally abusive relationships are occurring in prisons between the correction officers and the inmates. This is all defeating the process of "correction" and highlighting the dysfunction.

It concerns me that jails and prisons are run "for profit" because the little expenses that may lower the profit, if not made, defeat the whole correctional process.

Victim? Survivor? OR Just something else?

I have been recently bombarded with information about domestic abuse and violence. Sure, it's mainly because I subscribe to sites that provide me that information. So as I review all the information, and work with my clients, my brain works over time.

We all remember the childhood rhyme or expression " sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" ( I am not sure of the origin of this expression, please excuse my inability to cite it) but fast forward to adulthood and you hear many people , especially female "victims" of emotional abuse and you will hear, " I rather he took a stick and beat me up." Why, you may ask? Well, a broken bone is a real thing, it is reality, you have proof that you have been hurt, hit and "broken" otherwise you are not sure. There is a term "gas lighting" this is when one person in essence plays "mind games" and truly makes the other person feel they have lost their mind. "Crazy making" behavior we shall call it here.

Now there is chronic and acute "abuse". Chronic abuse is long-term. There is much damage done to the person living through this. Acute abuse is shorter term and many times may happen at the end of a marriage or long-term relationship and may be a tool used to cut the ties of the relationship. There are many reasons why relationships end and I could write about that at a later time. All abuse is abuse and hurtful. It not only takes some counseling but a strong desire and fortitude to get past it. And again, it's a process and the change does happen over time.

While I am writing about abuse, I only wanted to lightly touch on it because what I was really intended on writing about was what to call people who have lived through the experience.

Are they victims, survivors or something else? No, not sure what the something else would be.
There is a lot of shame for many people to admit they were abused. Abuse cuts through all socioeconomic levels and you may find that a CEO has lived through or may be living in an abusive household or relationship.

Shame and embarrassment isolate, which is also a tool used by an abuser. So the legacy of abuse continues. It does not have to continue, there is no shame and you can not control the behaviors of others, whether they are boyfriend, girlfriend or spouse. The fact that another acted poorly does not reflect on you. Loving and caring are not a weakness. Sure ,  a culture that promotes superficial, materialistic, and "tough" behaviors seems to weaken the concept of love and caring. A misogynist society feminizes it and thereby lowers the status of love.

Having had "abuse" in your life is a bad thing that happened but it does not have to define you, stain you or weaken you. Get help. Individual counseling, support groups, books , all are good. Most people who seek one source many times discredit them because "no, not me, that wasn't abuse" thoughts enter your mind. It is hard to acknowledge that a person you cared for abused or is abusing you. The abuser also tells the person they are abusing that " it's not abuse. "

Be well and take care of yourself.  Do not close yourself off to friends and family, it is OK to have friends and to spend time with them. 

Peace and love!  Thanks for reading.

Digesting Bill Cosby

So today Bill Cosby is  officially charged, one month before the statute of limitations expires. It has taken many women to come out and say, several times, that they were "raped" by this man.
Now, on so many levels this affects so many people.
Yes, the victims of course and my heart goes out to them and applaud them for their tenacity and strength.
A situation like this also affects the family, his wife. While many may not be sympathetic to Mrs. Cosby, she too is a victim. She has been married to this man for some 50 plus years and I can't imagine what  she is feeling or will feel if her husband is found guilty and sent to prison. She will definitely be in denial and probably is in denial. How can you internalize  that your husband of 50 years is not who you thought he was? Living with a person who, it turns out, you never truly knew is always difficult, but 50 years?!
I have had some heated conversations where people have become angry at me for saying things like this about Mrs. Cosby but she has to accept that, and wrap her mind around the new reality of who her husband is. Is she not also a victim? I have thought that perhaps those angry at me for feeling sad about Mrs. Cosby in fact are somewhat misogynist. Was it not Bill Cosby who allegedly hurt these women?  If I as a woman become angry and blame Mrs. Cosby, what am I really doing? Mr. Cosby is the one here who has done wrong. I am sure Mrs. Cosby has defended her husband. When you are married to someone , you marry because you love your husband and can't imagine them going off and drugging and raping women.
By acknowledging Mrs. Cosby's pain, I am not intending to minimize the primary victims, the women making the accusations. These allegations are very serious.
We are also victims. We yet again have been betrayed by a man we as Americans trusted. The Fat Albert of the 70s, the head of family in the 80s. Our desire to believe in wholesome has yet again been trampled. There are multiple layers of victims here. We shall see what happens now but yet again, we have been taught that there is a sinister side to people and don't we really know people? Today I am sad for the victims and what they have lived through while also proud of them to standing up. I am sad for Mrs. Cosby and the immediate family and friends and for all those that remember his "wholesome" television shows.

Happy New Year !! 2016

So we are headed toward a new year and the talk is about change and new year's resolutions. I probably say this every year because this issue does not change.
If you feel a need to make changes in your life and you feel January 1st is the best time, then do so. If you don't, that is OK as well.
Any change is difficult and there are bumps in the road. What I see as an issue are the expectations created for the new year and the ultimate frustration that ultimately happens.
Now, whatever your goal is for next year go in with the understanding that you will lapse and you will make mistakes and that is OK too.
Change will come even though it may not look the way that you initially expect it to look, and that is OK too.
I guess the essence of what I am saying is to be kind to yourself as you work on your goals. You should have short and long term goals.
Diets are big for the new year but remember that diets are not the goal but lifestyle change is. You don't want to feed yourself salad for one week and be miserable all week. You may want to start by incorporating vegetables in your meals, eating healthier  and starting that way. You will break your streak of change and that is OK, just go back the next day.
You may also want to make a visual of your goals. Pictures from magazines, words or drawings that highlight where you want to be.
Just remember that you have 12 months and change will not happen immediately.
Be mindful of what you want, what you are doing, be real and present.
And yes, I used the work OK a lot because it's OK and you are OK. Love yourself as you are. It's a journey, not a destination and you want to enjoy the journey.
Peace and Love and thank you for reading my blog.