UGH!

So I noticed yesterday that I have not blogged since February.  I am also having problems with my domain since I want to pay for it but it's impossible. Yes, impossible because there is no human you can contact at Google and while I spoke to some humans claiming to be from Google, I still am not sure. I am told that I can not pay with a credit card over the phone.  It's time to renew payment but it's gotten rather complicated. So, I am blogging today hoping for the best here. I hope you all can still follow me at blogspot.com.

SO much has happened in the last few months. We have had hurricanes, fires, earthquakes, floods. We have world leaders calling each other names and talking about bombing each other. Seems like everywhere you turn you hear ugly news.

No, it's not the end of times but I am sure that these times will be spoken about in the future. The era of natural disasters and ugly times where people are just rude to each other. No, not everyone but it's the bad potatoes that get the attention.

I think we need to focus on kindness. What happened to " treat people like you want them to treat you?" Just look at the healthcare debate and all that has happened up to this day on this. Health care should not be political, and why can't everyone be taken care of when sick or have preventive care so they don't get sick.

We need to be cautious to not idolize money. Hoarding riches and money does not bring happiness. To deny people something as essential as health because they don't have money or because they may have had another illness prior is just plain wrong.  I see it very simple, the richest person on the planet can be affected by the unhealthy uninsured person, who may be ill and unable to get healthcare. How, you ask? Let's say that the richest person on the planet dines at an exquisite place. Let's say that the assistants at the restaurant do not have health care and have ( name a communicable disease) . This person in the kitchen can not afford to take time off work, comes to work sick  because they are unable to get care. Well, it is very possible that richest person may acquire an illness because of the situation I just mentioned.

Can we start caring for ourselves and for others? Remember the concept of love? Love thy neighbor as yourself? Of course , you have to like yourself to do that. Let's try and jump off the rat race a bit and enjoy life. Enjoy experiences and relationships. Hoarding money and material things , as we have seen recently, very quickly can be gone. Living in joy and community fills you up more. Think of it as protein to your carbs!

Be well peeps.

Parenting in the era of smart phones.....

I guess I am a curious person. I observe behaviors and reactions in the general public.

I walked in to my local grocery store the other morning and there was an elderly lady sitting at the entrance. It was early in the morning and felt I should say, "good morning" I did.

Growing up,  my parents and my parents' peers seemed to always be asking us, " Did you greet so and so?" Yes, totally embarrassing us and forcing us to greet friends and strangers alike. We needed to be polite.

Fast forward to the era of smart phones. What do I see? Parents on their phones either talking or texting and their kids just walking behind them not able to speak because parents are otherwise distracted. Oh, and I have had children in my practice upset that mom or dad is " always on the phone"

But, in this new era. The era where we are apparently being trained to be none feeling, robots , unable to engage socially with others in real time. What happens?
There is no, " honey , did you say good morning to....?" While kids are off the hook, we are not properly socializing our kids, are we? 

I think something is lost. I feel that kids no longer know what to do socially in real-time. I hope we don't end up unable to speak and that we eventually will sit with others texting each other because we have lost our social/ verbal  skills.

We seriously need to budget our smart phone time. People have fallen and I imagine we are prey to thieves if we walk around staring at our phones. Parenting is a 24 hour, 7 day a week job. It's in the little things. It's talking to our kids as we see things, share about our lives at that age.
We need social relationships, we need for them to be in real-time.

Let's become more mindful of our online time. Kids need adults. They need relationships, and we are modeling "normal" behavior. All of us, even childless adults. Kids are watching.

Happy Valentine's Day y'all !

So some people will be happy tomorrow, some will pretend to be happy and then some will just go with the flow and enjoy a day of friendship regardless of relationship status.

St. Valentine's Day has become one of those capitalist days. A day to buy and spend money.
How much you spend on a friend, spouse or lover? ( hopefully you won't have to buy for all three)- oops, just inserting some inappropriate humor here.
Regardless of relationship status go have fun, eat some chocolate even if you have to buy it yourself. Heck, if you buy it yourself you know what you are getting.

Even NPR was on the" buy roses" kick. It was for a good reason, it was all donation based as they were fundraising but some people are very sensitive about this day. They feel they must have a date. But really? Just going out to be somewhat coupled can be yucky, unless you like the person. Besides, restaurants are packed, service staff is stressed and it can get pricey.

Happy Valentine's Day , go be with those who make you happy. That can be a spouse, lover, cat, dog or good platonic friend.  Relax.

Presidential Elections 2016.

So we are two days post the election. This election was different from previous elections in the United States.

18 months of campaigning, in what was best described as an unusual election.
This is NOT a political post. This is a "let's talk and keep our sanity" post, primarily because at the end the day, we all have to return to work and have responsibilities.

No one knows the future, we only know the present.
In politics, as in any other aspect of life, we all have an opinion. Some people support President- elect Trump and others Secretary Rodman Clinton. Yes, she always liked to add her maiden name and it's sad she doesn't use it anymore, since I never know which Clinton they are talking about. But I digress.

People of all ages were upset yesterday. Others cheered. Because the Trump supporters are thrilled, and there is anguish with the others, I will address coping skills for those who voted, supported  Rodham Clinton and feel "scared" with a Trump-Pence future.

I think we have to stop, turn off social media, TV and breathe. "ground" yourself. What "grounds" you? That is anything that helps you relax excluding food, drugs, sex or alcohol. Yep, sorry I stopped the party. Let's think hobbies, exercise and time with family/friends. Perhaps meditation or prayer. Perhaps reading.

Focus on the here and now. We can not worry about tomorrow nor can we go back to yesterday. No, not possible. Not even if you have the red cap ( sorry, I had to- humor is important)

Sit with yourself and check in to your thoughts. What are your thoughts? What worries you? What scares you?
Doing this should give you insight into what is going on with you. Your thoughts and worries are yours, and another person's is different. so focus on you.


We have witness some real ugly, none professional, sexists and racist behaviors come from this campaign. I guess we all think that we were done with that. However, as some people say. the "struggle is real". Life is  a journey and life is very much like the seasons, like the ocean. There are ups and downs and there is change. Life is not static, it is dynamic. While we may sleep , we can not be asleep in life, through out life.

As I observed some unusual campaigning and behavior, I wondered how survivors of abuse, bullying, or sexual assault felt. I felt that some of Mr. Trump's behavior could potentially be triggers for people, especially women who have had experience with an abuser , especially a man.  Rodham Clinton handled it remarkably well at least on camera. But domestic violence survivors and others may be affected. That behavior could trigger memories of previous abuse. I would recommend anyone experiencing this to please find a therapist to speak to. Watching that on social media or TV could trigger anxiety and it's best to seek professional help.

We can not expect our elected officials to do for us , just because. They are people, and as "people" they are flawed.

We must be involved in our world. That means being aware, being involved in our political process and being civically involved. It's our country and we must take care of it. Become an elected official, help support an elected official, become an advocate.

Michael Moore said it better than me, but he wrote about the fact that we have not lost America. In fact, Rodham Clinton won the popular vote. That means that America was with her. What happened is that our founding fathers created the electoral college so that changes things. Each state has a certain number of votes and that is what ultimately counts.

So this means we need to work with what we have now, but we need to feel empowered and keep an eye on what happens in government. If we are not happy we must speak up. Find like minded people and advocate for the change you want.

Both political parties have clubs. Find one near you and join. You will meet like minded people and you will therefore not be isolated.

Be mindful of social media, we tend to spend too much time online and too much of that just creates stress. Focus on critical thinking. Question things! Just because  Joe Blow says something, do some research before you get all worked up. Be mindful of what you watch on TV and get real facts not just crazy propaganda.

Limit your time to news and political commentary. All that is always going to be there. When you get back from exercising or reading a great book, that is going to be there. No, the world is not going to end. Breathe and understand that if Rodham Clinton got the popular vote, we don't live in a racist, ugly country. WE ARE THE PEOPLE, WE ARE THE PEOPLE OF THE UNITED STATES.

peace and love be with you. Together we can.

Health care, Money and Ethics.................

Ethics and Healthcare 101
Everyone wants to make a profit and that is understandable. However, is the "sky is the limit" when it comes to profiting on essentials that humans need? There are needs and there are wants. An EPI pen and any type of medication is need not a want. A want is a vacation, new clothes etc, They are not essentials to live. I need asthma medication, I want a new pair of shoes.
Actually, I need shoes but I don't need designer shoes.
To profit on "needs..." creates an ethical issue. There are some professionals that do pro bono work if the recipient is unable to afford the service and this is a "need" for that person.
Yes, there should and needs to be a charge for medical equipment and services, but the ethical issue remains at the profit level.
Unfortunately, people who have a chronic illness are many times blamed for their illness. What did they eat? What was their lifestyle? Perhaps as a way to justify a term called "price gauging". If you want to make endless amounts of money, go sell "wants" not "needs". As you count your trillions, dear CEOs of drug companies, you may want to say a prayer for those that died unable to buy the extremely expensive medications. The mothers, fathers, children, now dead because they could not afford those medications. They worked hard, they just could not afford them. Enjoy your trillions, however, happiness is not found there.

Divorce Anniversary; A celebration, mourning or commemoration

So, what do you do on the anniversary of your divorce? What is an appropriate thing to do? What is healthy? Well, there are many kind of divorces yet the core of each divorce is a marriage that ended. Endings are never pretty is what I say.
As a therapist I have been working with divorce because it is part of life. As I matured, as a clinician with an interest in learning, I found myself in a Family Mediation course , necessary for becoming a Parenting Coordinator which means I not only work with divorce, I work with high conflict divorce involving children; part of my practice is family reunification, that means rebuilding a broken relationship between parents and their children.
So, what to do on the anniversary of your divorce? It depends on who you ask. Some people throw parties and others mourn.
I feel it's important to acknowledge that day and look back, and see ,what you have accomplished or perhaps haven't. Perhaps we should not let the day go to waste.  It can be an annual "evaluation" of your life just like they do in most work environments.
It's not always easy being a divorced therapist. Many times people call and ask, "are you married?" because for them, they don't want to go see a therapist who has been divorced.  Yet others want someone who was divorced and survived the earthquake, as I call it. Some see a divorced therapist as anti marriage, anti family. The reality is you can't make everyone happy and you can't please everyone. Yes, today is the sixth anniversary of my divorce. In that time I have worked to unify some parent-children relationships, I have helped couples learn to communicate with each other  because yes, a divorced therapist still believes in keeping families healthy.
So there is myself the person, and myself the therapist. I continue to practice family and marital therapy and just this week finished working with a couple that improved their communication and trust and left smiling on their way to dinner together.
Now, for myself, I have the benefit today of Facebook that showed me what I have posted for the past six years. In that time, I have met many new people, have started participating in duathlons, have placed and have even mentored others. I have focused on intellectual pursuits and have had the time to focus on myself and refocus. As the GPS says , " recalculating". Yes, recalculating my life journey.
So if you or anyone you know is facing divorce, just remember, when there is a hurricane or an earthquake, there will be rebuilding. Use the time you have wisely to heal. Rebounding into a new relationship is never a good idea. I know, everyone refuses to listen and the "street" recommendation is " get out there". No, not just yet. Just like when the GPS says, "recalculating", wait and refocus. Give yourself time. It does get better.
Thank you for reading!

Happy Mother's Day

The word on the street, as they say, is HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY this weekend. The commercials, sales and the popular culture is all about celebrating mother.
The public perception or cultural story is that everyone had or has a great mother who sacrificed and helped them grow into who they are today. That being the story, we celebrate the memory or the presence of that person on Mother's Day.
Like most things, Mother's Day is complicated because not  everyone owns that story.
But, let's not make it so.
Honor the woman or women that were there for you. A special teacher, an aunt, a neighbor, an older female sibling or just your female friend who happens to be a mother.
If you are in pain on Mother's Day, acknowledge it but do not stay there all day. There is someone around to acknowledge and celebrate with.
To those that are mothers and/or have their mothers around by all means acknowledge the day and be grateful.
To all women I say, Happy Mother's Day.