Health care, Money and Ethics.................

Ethics and Healthcare 101
Everyone wants to make a profit and that is understandable. However, is the "sky is the limit" when it comes to profiting on essentials that humans need? There are needs and there are wants. An EPI pen and any type of medication is need not a want. A want is a vacation, new clothes etc, They are not essentials to live. I need asthma medication, I want a new pair of shoes.
Actually, I need shoes but I don't need designer shoes.
To profit on "needs..." creates an ethical issue. There are some professionals that do pro bono work if the recipient is unable to afford the service and this is a "need" for that person.
Yes, there should and needs to be a charge for medical equipment and services, but the ethical issue remains at the profit level.
Unfortunately, people who have a chronic illness are many times blamed for their illness. What did they eat? What was their lifestyle? Perhaps as a way to justify a term called "price gauging". If you want to make endless amounts of money, go sell "wants" not "needs". As you count your trillions, dear CEOs of drug companies, you may want to say a prayer for those that died unable to buy the extremely expensive medications. The mothers, fathers, children, now dead because they could not afford those medications. They worked hard, they just could not afford them. Enjoy your trillions, however, happiness is not found there.

Divorce Anniversary; A celebration, mourning or commemoration

So, what do you do on the anniversary of your divorce? What is an appropriate thing to do? What is healthy? Well, there are many kind of divorces yet the core of each divorce is a marriage that ended. Endings are never pretty is what I say.
As a therapist I have been working with divorce because it is part of life. As I matured, as a clinician with an interest in learning, I found myself in a Family Mediation course , necessary for becoming a Parenting Coordinator which means I not only work with divorce, I work with high conflict divorce involving children; part of my practice is family reunification, that means rebuilding a broken relationship between parents and their children.
So, what to do on the anniversary of your divorce? It depends on who you ask. Some people throw parties and others mourn.
I feel it's important to acknowledge that day and look back, and see ,what you have accomplished or perhaps haven't. Perhaps we should not let the day go to waste.  It can be an annual "evaluation" of your life just like they do in most work environments.
It's not always easy being a divorced therapist. Many times people call and ask, "are you married?" because for them, they don't want to go see a therapist who has been divorced.  Yet others want someone who was divorced and survived the earthquake, as I call it. Some see a divorced therapist as anti marriage, anti family. The reality is you can't make everyone happy and you can't please everyone. Yes, today is the sixth anniversary of my divorce. In that time I have worked to unify some parent-children relationships, I have helped couples learn to communicate with each other  because yes, a divorced therapist still believes in keeping families healthy.
So there is myself the person, and myself the therapist. I continue to practice family and marital therapy and just this week finished working with a couple that improved their communication and trust and left smiling on their way to dinner together.
Now, for myself, I have the benefit today of Facebook that showed me what I have posted for the past six years. In that time, I have met many new people, have started participating in duathlons, have placed and have even mentored others. I have focused on intellectual pursuits and have had the time to focus on myself and refocus. As the GPS says , " recalculating". Yes, recalculating my life journey.
So if you or anyone you know is facing divorce, just remember, when there is a hurricane or an earthquake, there will be rebuilding. Use the time you have wisely to heal. Rebounding into a new relationship is never a good idea. I know, everyone refuses to listen and the "street" recommendation is " get out there". No, not just yet. Just like when the GPS says, "recalculating", wait and refocus. Give yourself time. It does get better.
Thank you for reading!

Happy Mother's Day

The word on the street, as they say, is HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY this weekend. The commercials, sales and the popular culture is all about celebrating mother.
The public perception or cultural story is that everyone had or has a great mother who sacrificed and helped them grow into who they are today. That being the story, we celebrate the memory or the presence of that person on Mother's Day.
Like most things, Mother's Day is complicated because not  everyone owns that story.
But, let's not make it so.
Honor the woman or women that were there for you. A special teacher, an aunt, a neighbor, an older female sibling or just your female friend who happens to be a mother.
If you are in pain on Mother's Day, acknowledge it but do not stay there all day. There is someone around to acknowledge and celebrate with.
To those that are mothers and/or have their mothers around by all means acknowledge the day and be grateful.
To all women I say, Happy Mother's Day.

work, stress, and behavior

It was hard coming up with a title for this. I just read on the news the following scenario:
female correction officer charged with rape after having sex with male inmate and allegedly providing him with drugs. She feels she was "played a fool" and because inmates in that correctional center do not have the right to consent, it is thereby rape.

Yes, under that law/rule, it is rape because there is no consent from the inmate and there is the "power" issue. The correctional officer is the person in power just like elders, teachers and employers.

What hit me first though, as I read this was not the obvious here, but I thought about how we are rehabilitating our inmates and what is happening in our prison system.

More and more, prisons are becoming "for profit" centers. I question how much "supervision" and "education" is being provided to the correction officers.

In any setting where the "staff" is supervising or tending to people without "consent" it is very easy for the boundaries to be blurred. Before we chastise the correction officer as has become common in social media , let's think about all the hours they put in to their jobs, locked in with these inmates. With familiarization and time together, life in prison becomes normal for both the inmate and the correction officer and it is the responsibility of the supervisors and managers to be on the look out for friendships and possible romantic relationships. Perhaps moving staff around so they don't spend too much time in one unit may be helpful.

Yes, this takes time, dedication and money. As in health care, this is not an industry that can be made for profit. The consequences to society as a whole are immense. No one is helped when mutually emotionally abusive relationships are occurring in prisons between the correction officers and the inmates. This is all defeating the process of "correction" and highlighting the dysfunction.

It concerns me that jails and prisons are run "for profit" because the little expenses that may lower the profit, if not made, defeat the whole correctional process.

Victim? Survivor? OR Just something else?

I have been recently bombarded with information about domestic abuse and violence. Sure, it's mainly because I subscribe to sites that provide me that information. So as I review all the information, and work with my clients, my brain works over time.

We all remember the childhood rhyme or expression " sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" ( I am not sure of the origin of this expression, please excuse my inability to cite it) but fast forward to adulthood and you hear many people , especially female "victims" of emotional abuse and you will hear, " I rather he took a stick and beat me up." Why, you may ask? Well, a broken bone is a real thing, it is reality, you have proof that you have been hurt, hit and "broken" otherwise you are not sure. There is a term "gas lighting" this is when one person in essence plays "mind games" and truly makes the other person feel they have lost their mind. "Crazy making" behavior we shall call it here.

Now there is chronic and acute "abuse". Chronic abuse is long-term. There is much damage done to the person living through this. Acute abuse is shorter term and many times may happen at the end of a marriage or long-term relationship and may be a tool used to cut the ties of the relationship. There are many reasons why relationships end and I could write about that at a later time. All abuse is abuse and hurtful. It not only takes some counseling but a strong desire and fortitude to get past it. And again, it's a process and the change does happen over time.

While I am writing about abuse, I only wanted to lightly touch on it because what I was really intended on writing about was what to call people who have lived through the experience.

Are they victims, survivors or something else? No, not sure what the something else would be.
There is a lot of shame for many people to admit they were abused. Abuse cuts through all socioeconomic levels and you may find that a CEO has lived through or may be living in an abusive household or relationship.

Shame and embarrassment isolate, which is also a tool used by an abuser. So the legacy of abuse continues. It does not have to continue, there is no shame and you can not control the behaviors of others, whether they are boyfriend, girlfriend or spouse. The fact that another acted poorly does not reflect on you. Loving and caring are not a weakness. Sure ,  a culture that promotes superficial, materialistic, and "tough" behaviors seems to weaken the concept of love and caring. A misogynist society feminizes it and thereby lowers the status of love.

Having had "abuse" in your life is a bad thing that happened but it does not have to define you, stain you or weaken you. Get help. Individual counseling, support groups, books , all are good. Most people who seek one source many times discredit them because "no, not me, that wasn't abuse" thoughts enter your mind. It is hard to acknowledge that a person you cared for abused or is abusing you. The abuser also tells the person they are abusing that " it's not abuse. "

Be well and take care of yourself.  Do not close yourself off to friends and family, it is OK to have friends and to spend time with them. 

Peace and love!  Thanks for reading.

Digesting Bill Cosby

So today Bill Cosby is  officially charged, one month before the statute of limitations expires. It has taken many women to come out and say, several times, that they were "raped" by this man.
Now, on so many levels this affects so many people.
Yes, the victims of course and my heart goes out to them and applaud them for their tenacity and strength.
A situation like this also affects the family, his wife. While many may not be sympathetic to Mrs. Cosby, she too is a victim. She has been married to this man for some 50 plus years and I can't imagine what  she is feeling or will feel if her husband is found guilty and sent to prison. She will definitely be in denial and probably is in denial. How can you internalize  that your husband of 50 years is not who you thought he was? Living with a person who, it turns out, you never truly knew is always difficult, but 50 years?!
I have had some heated conversations where people have become angry at me for saying things like this about Mrs. Cosby but she has to accept that, and wrap her mind around the new reality of who her husband is. Is she not also a victim? I have thought that perhaps those angry at me for feeling sad about Mrs. Cosby in fact are somewhat misogynist. Was it not Bill Cosby who allegedly hurt these women?  If I as a woman become angry and blame Mrs. Cosby, what am I really doing? Mr. Cosby is the one here who has done wrong. I am sure Mrs. Cosby has defended her husband. When you are married to someone , you marry because you love your husband and can't imagine them going off and drugging and raping women.
By acknowledging Mrs. Cosby's pain, I am not intending to minimize the primary victims, the women making the accusations. These allegations are very serious.
We are also victims. We yet again have been betrayed by a man we as Americans trusted. The Fat Albert of the 70s, the head of family in the 80s. Our desire to believe in wholesome has yet again been trampled. There are multiple layers of victims here. We shall see what happens now but yet again, we have been taught that there is a sinister side to people and don't we really know people? Today I am sad for the victims and what they have lived through while also proud of them to standing up. I am sad for Mrs. Cosby and the immediate family and friends and for all those that remember his "wholesome" television shows.

Happy New Year !! 2016

So we are headed toward a new year and the talk is about change and new year's resolutions. I probably say this every year because this issue does not change.
If you feel a need to make changes in your life and you feel January 1st is the best time, then do so. If you don't, that is OK as well.
Any change is difficult and there are bumps in the road. What I see as an issue are the expectations created for the new year and the ultimate frustration that ultimately happens.
Now, whatever your goal is for next year go in with the understanding that you will lapse and you will make mistakes and that is OK too.
Change will come even though it may not look the way that you initially expect it to look, and that is OK too.
I guess the essence of what I am saying is to be kind to yourself as you work on your goals. You should have short and long term goals.
Diets are big for the new year but remember that diets are not the goal but lifestyle change is. You don't want to feed yourself salad for one week and be miserable all week. You may want to start by incorporating vegetables in your meals, eating healthier  and starting that way. You will break your streak of change and that is OK, just go back the next day.
You may also want to make a visual of your goals. Pictures from magazines, words or drawings that highlight where you want to be.
Just remember that you have 12 months and change will not happen immediately.
Be mindful of what you want, what you are doing, be real and present.
And yes, I used the work OK a lot because it's OK and you are OK. Love yourself as you are. It's a journey, not a destination and you want to enjoy the journey.
Peace and Love and thank you for reading my blog.