Cheating, Sex, and money

First I think it's important to define these three things. What is cheating? Many people believe that cheating is one's partner having sexual intercourse with another person behind their back. Well, the true meaning of cheating is, any time that you do something that you hide from your partner, on purpose, that is cheating. There is financial cheating. That is when you buy something, shoes, computers, TVs, and don't tell your partner how much you REALLY spent. Oh, and that secret account you have? That's financial cheating. Now, those private messages you send that special friend of the opposite sex? Yes, those things you tell them, about your feelings, about how you really feel. That's emotional cheating. It's not just getting naked and going hog wild in a hotel room with a person not your partner, for it to be cheating. Now, I have technically discussed cheating, sex and money. Martial sex is supposed to be sharing of your bodies and soul. It is said that sex is a special gift not to be used or abused inappropriately. When you have an affair, any affair, you are taking energy that you should be putting in your relationship and placing it somewhere else. No duh, you feel your marriage gets boring, your spouse is a nag, because you have essentially checked out. Now money, it's mostly men, but some women do it, they take money and give it to the lover. Now, you are in essence taking something you and your spouse have worked for , something of value, and giving it to someone else. You are not just stealing from your spouse, you are stealing from your marriage. In essences, kicking it and devaluing it. Some may say that " I worked for that money" "my spouse doesn't work" "my spouse doesn't make as much money as I" Well, marriage is an agreement and bond where two people focus on building a live together, a nest. It's no longer about "ME" it is about "we". I find that the divorce rate keeps rising because people have forgotten what marriage means. It's us not you or me. We seem to be living in very "selfish times" Everyone wants money, status and material items. People appear to be disposable. It's almost like people are seen and treated like objects. Marriage seems like, you buy a young, shiny spouse in your 20's, build something in your 30s, perhaps have children and buy a house. By 40, they want another shiny lover, and bigger house. They essentially kick what they built, destroy and start anew in their late 40s. As a therapist I am beginning to see the cycle renewing in the late 60s into 70s. More and more people are leaving their marriages later in life. Some for the second time and some are leaving after having been "forgiven" affairs in their past by the same spouse they are leaving now. All life is valuable. People are not objects and are not disposable. Let's try and keep our humanity. Build up others' marriages, don't encourage ugly mother in law jokes, or joke because a man prefers to stay home with his wife instead of going out drinking with the guys. Let's support human connections and love. People should not really be starting fresh at 40. Broke at 40 or 50 is not cool. Destroying what you built and/or leaving kids in a broken family is not cool. Let's start to build each other up. Peace.

Boundaries

It's important to be centered and to know where I am, where you are , how we can meet and both maintain ourselves even if we join our lives with someone. It seems that more and more people feel a need to "push the envelope" just take it all a little farther. Seems people are never satisfied with what they have. This, I see, in many areas. They have a house they feel they have to go larger, car, they need a new one, married for twenty years, they want spice, perhaps a younger lover. Perhaps all this behavior has always been present but with social media the whole world knows your business. Why? because you placed it there for all to see. Everyone wants to be cool and push further. Skimpy dressed wives, bedroom shots, countless bottles of alcohol, there is a lot people are putting out there. The part that is troubling is that potential universities, employers and others are looking, taking note and making opinions. Sadly, once you post something it's there and even if you delete it someone may have just copied it. You go out and drink and post pictures of you and your friends drunk, well what if you get into an accident? a crash? you have just provided the world evidence that you were probably drunk. Even if the accident was when you were sober, you have been known to drink excessively so there is that evidence that you CAN drink excessively on occasion. My mother has an old Cuban saying " cria fama y acuestate a dormir" ( create fame, a reputation, and go asleep) It's like marketing 101, put the information out, put video, pictures of any behavior and you will be judged. It's not me that is trying to be the moral police here, it's that it's a reality. Besides, why are you doing what you are doing for the camera? What are your needs? What is a topless picture of you or a somewhat topless picture of you doing for you? Who is it for? Is it for an ex lover, ex wife? What do you need to prove and why? If you know you are super cool you really don't have to publish it on social media because everyone already knows. The sad thing is that some "so called friends" will like your pictures and encourage your debacle, they think it's funny and they will laugh at you, not with you. In my experience as a therapist I have seen people who have pushed and pushed until they just crash and burn. There have to be boundaries and some personal rules of conduct. How far can you go? Sadly, many go until they crash and burn. If you are unhappy and unfulfilled talk to someone. A neutral party who will be honest with you. Don't allow others to use your vulnerability and pain for their fulfillment. Be brave and seek professional help before you crash and burn. Crashing and burning get's you admitted to hospitals, in jail and can be way more expensive than seeking outpatient counseling. Peace be with you.

Hope

I was going to write today about all the shootings and deaths at the hands of those that are supposed to protect us and keep us safe. It is in the news and several states have or have had protests because of deaths in their state. Then I realized that I can surely connect that with this holiday season. Yes, holiday, I am including Hanukkah , Christmas, and all holidays here. We, in the US, live among peoples of all races, religions and creeds. As troubling as it is hearing about all the deaths at the hands of police officers, we can not lose hope. How does hope come, where is the hope? Well, in all the pictures of people who care enough to post their thoughts on Facebook, in all the non violent demonstrations. Yes, we have all been exposed to the violent ones but many have not been violent and those people have cared enough to be heard that they care about other people. They have empathy. Locally, we recently were made aware of a 90 year old arrested for feeding the homeless in public. It seemed that there was a local ordinance prohibiting such behavior. This 90 year old man began a movement where, as I write this, it seems that his civil disobedience has in fact created change. Now, how do these things tie in with hope and the holidays? Holidays such as Christmas and also the coming year? In hope. As much as things look bleak, as much as it seems that people are heartless and not caring, we begin to see an outburst of hope, caring and empathy. Yes, one person can make a difference and yes, change for good is possible. As we get ready to bid farewell to 2014 there is room for good things to happen. Be an instrument of change yourself. One smile, one good dead can make a world of difference and you may not even be aware of it. We sometimes see people who look mean, nasty, or uncaring. Don't make it about you and assume that the person thinks they are better than you. Be more open minded, if you take the time to meet the person where they are at, you may find out they are waiting for medical results, that their family member is ill, that they are foreclosing on a house. You just never know. But don't ask, just be present for others. They don't have to tell you either. By establishing this new way of being you will connect with others in a different way. Also remember you may connect with others but not everyone. Just don't hold on to any ugliness because there is lots of good to be had. That one rotten potato does not rot the entire bag. Peace and Love!

No private bubbles available

No man is an island and you don't live in a bubble. We may want to think and joke that "we live in a bubble" but we are connected indirectly and directly to others and yes, it goes beyond families and friends. Our behavior impacts others in ways you probably never think of. Let's talk about abortion, suicide, divorce and those ugly topics most people don't want to talk about. If I talk about myself, I will mention the first time I was affected by abortion. I was about 6 years old and my parents paid for lady to do door to door drop off to and from school. I was in a new city, Miami, and school was new too. It was the first time I was away from my family for a prolonged period of time. I remember arriving home and before we got to the front door I saw the police and various neighbors in front of my home. I actually remember this as if it happened yesterday and this happened way over 40 years ago. It turned out that it had nothing to do with my family but someone had come to use my family's telephone and the police where there because our next door neighbor had an illegal abortion in her bathroom. This is the same family who's mother had gone on a date around Christmas time and her date had been drunk and they had been in a fatal car accident. This family had a lot of tragedy which not only affected this family but in fact the neighbors and this 6 year old child was awaken to the ugliness of the world via neighbors. I also had a teacher at my elementary , she taught in the room next to mine, have a heart attack and die in her classroom. All these situations obviously deeply affected family members and those directly involved but there was also the community around them which were the people that came into contact with them on a daily or regular basis. Divorce is also something that affects more than the just the two people being divorced. It obviously affects the children, but it affects the extended family, friends and event he family pet. Life changes and awareness is altered. In essence divorce is an earthquake not only for the couple and family, the foundation and landscape changes. Suicide is another one of those issues that stretches out it's tentacles. All the issues I have mentioned affect many beyond the core people involved but with TV and social media they are touching many more lives in a new way. We only know what happened death, suicide or what ever, we don't know these people, but it's told to us and we internalize it as if we did. Just like the little girl sitting in her classroom and having her teacher have a heart attack or coming home to the police next door, yet we only know what a producer or writer gave us and we add ourselves to it. Sadly we already know how the media exaggerates news or massages the news to make it more dramatic or interesting. In essence we must be careful not to allow the media to work with our minds and break our spirit. That being said, I think we also have a responsibility to behave well, and be mindful of how our behavior will in fact affect other people. We don't, after all, live in a bubble. We are parts, intertwined, of a much bigger picture. Don't let anyone or thing break your spirit. If you allow yourself, the puzzle piece that you are, be destroyed you are destroying the bigger picture.

Is it an ASSet?

Ok, so the news du jour today was Kim K's buttock. Apparently it was to break the internet. As if we care, our eyes were violated by the sight of Kim pointing her buttock towards the camera. This for a magazine called Paper. It was all cover the internet and various news sources. Then Chelsea Handler took a selfie of her's and posted it on the internet. Wow, of the other news in the world we were graced with buttock comparisons. What does that say about our culture? We have just had some interesting elections this month, we should have concerns about how Congress and our President will get anything done. We have major health care challenges, we have had an Ebola scare, we are having issues in Broward regarding feeding the homeless, where a 90 year old volunteer is repeatedly arrested for feeding the homeless. Hey folks, we have some serious socio-political issues who cares what Kim's buttock looks like. Pretty sad that her current claim to fame is appearing "greased and oiled" in the front page of a magazine with her buttock sticking out. Insanity and or shallowness at it's best. There is the stupidity of it all and also the underlining misogyny of the over exposure of the female body. Women are in fact being maimed and are dying in their pursuit of the " perfect body". Women spend much of their income on beauty products and procedures that somehow they were socialized to belief they needed. For what again? It's interesting to look at current fashion for men and women. Men wear flip slops and cargo pants. Their weight and waistlines are rarely issues. There are even "belly flop" contests on cruise ships. Now for women, shorts have gotten shorter, heals are higher and weight is an issue as is cellulite. Add the clothes women are expected to wear and the messages sent to women and what do you have? Misogyny's dark, slick, undermining influence who's goal is to destroy women's self esteem and feelings of self worth. I guess I should include something about how to make this situation better since this is really pathetic. This also at a time when "plus size" models are a size 10 when in fact, the clothes they are modeling are for women sizes 20 plus. Again, insanity. None of this makes sense. So I think we women need to wake up and empower ourselves. We are not the size of any body part, we have heart and soul and we have a brain. We have purpose which is not to be eye candy or decoration.

RIP Tobacco Road

I am writing about a bar. Yes, strange that I would write about a bar, no I am not advocating drinking nor am I a patron of the establishment. I remember the place and I remember going there once. I was in college, I was a member of the Young Democrats and I remember being there briefly. I forget why we were there, I think we were gathering there because it was a central location. This is not just any bar, this is a place where politicians and celebrities frequented. This place is in Miami, Miami is not known for historical places. We are known in this rather "young" city for knocking things down and building bright and shiny buildings and houses that sometimes can not weather a storm but are new and shiny. It's not that I personally will miss the bar since I am not a patron but the reason that it's closing after 102 years in existence is what saddens me. It seems that it validates the modern day trend of throwing out old and buying and creating new. I can't help but think of the marriages that are broken in mid life because the wife is not " as sexy anymore" so the wife is left and a younger, firmer model is acquired. I am sad about Tobacco Road. It was bought for $12.5 million by real estate developers and it is going to be torn down. History and community don't matter anymore. It's old and needs to go. Almost like the wealthy relative that is more valuable dead than alive so when ill, the family gathers to see how they can get some money or valuables from the relative. It's very sad that we don't value tradition, history, or community. If all we focus on is money we are indeed and dead society. What do we show future generations? The shiny, bright building with the leaky glass ceiling where a historical place once sat. As it is, when I travel in my old neighborhood near my elementary school all I tell people is what existed 40 years ago when I was a kid. 40 years is truly not a long time. We go to other cities and can enjoy history. In Miami, we can look at all the billboards on the Palmetto for breast and butt work. If you need the work just drive north on the Palmetto Expressway and you can look at the competitive prices. Nothing is as good as it is. We all need surgery, we all need to color our hair, we need creams and potions and we need to tear down our history, our community in the name of "the best will come later" after we have ripped our ethnic features, we implant and change everything. How sad. What are we feeling ? What motivates us? What are we teaching future generations? RIP Tobacco Road, they are only destroying you because you have worth.

Foundations are crucial

As a child my mother taught me the importance of foundation garments. Ok, so that is a joke but she did , just like I believe most mothers do especially with girls. As I was running this morning I noticed a wall with cracks in the middle, soon the wall will have to be fixed. It seemed that it was not built correctly. This triggered my thinking that we, as a society have lost our ability to prioritize. We do not seem to value jobs that are in fact very important to society but yet value people that make money off other people with no real social value except that they have made money off "managing " other people. People are valuing money and material things. Look at the least paying jobs, they are caretakers of the very ill, teachers, day care workers, and food service employees. These people work day in and day out with our elderly parents, they feed terminally ill people, they cook food for us and educate and care for our children. Yet, we do not value them. Such a shame that we don't value the people are, on a daily basis, forming our next generation. Construction workers that build the homes we live in. Seems that we need to start looking at the value in the jobs that these people do because these people are involved in the foundation of our community, and out society. I believe that we all have gifts we are born with that are meant to better society. Not everyone's gifts have the same monetary value which is sad because the reality is money is money and a means to acquire goods and services but should not give more value to the person holding the money. Money that changes in actual value through out a person's life span. What does not change and is of actual value is the person's moral character. The person's ability and willingness to provide warmth, love, and companionship to their family and those they love. I have seen very happy poor people and have seen very unhappy "rich" people. The love of oneself, self acceptance and an awareness that we are all part of a community is a great gift to have and hold. One must love and accept oneself. Once you accept yourself both the bad and the good, you will be more accepting of others. We need to be grateful for construction workers that build our buildings, cooks and chefs that cook for us, farmers that farm for us, child and elderly caretakers that care for our parents and children. They provide a foundation for us and we need to learn to value the gift they give. No man is an island, and it does take a village.