No private bubbles available

No man is an island and you don't live in a bubble. We may want to think and joke that "we live in a bubble" but we are connected indirectly and directly to others and yes, it goes beyond families and friends. Our behavior impacts others in ways you probably never think of. Let's talk about abortion, suicide, divorce and those ugly topics most people don't want to talk about. If I talk about myself, I will mention the first time I was affected by abortion. I was about 6 years old and my parents paid for lady to do door to door drop off to and from school. I was in a new city, Miami, and school was new too. It was the first time I was away from my family for a prolonged period of time. I remember arriving home and before we got to the front door I saw the police and various neighbors in front of my home. I actually remember this as if it happened yesterday and this happened way over 40 years ago. It turned out that it had nothing to do with my family but someone had come to use my family's telephone and the police where there because our next door neighbor had an illegal abortion in her bathroom. This is the same family who's mother had gone on a date around Christmas time and her date had been drunk and they had been in a fatal car accident. This family had a lot of tragedy which not only affected this family but in fact the neighbors and this 6 year old child was awaken to the ugliness of the world via neighbors. I also had a teacher at my elementary , she taught in the room next to mine, have a heart attack and die in her classroom. All these situations obviously deeply affected family members and those directly involved but there was also the community around them which were the people that came into contact with them on a daily or regular basis. Divorce is also something that affects more than the just the two people being divorced. It obviously affects the children, but it affects the extended family, friends and event he family pet. Life changes and awareness is altered. In essence divorce is an earthquake not only for the couple and family, the foundation and landscape changes. Suicide is another one of those issues that stretches out it's tentacles. All the issues I have mentioned affect many beyond the core people involved but with TV and social media they are touching many more lives in a new way. We only know what happened death, suicide or what ever, we don't know these people, but it's told to us and we internalize it as if we did. Just like the little girl sitting in her classroom and having her teacher have a heart attack or coming home to the police next door, yet we only know what a producer or writer gave us and we add ourselves to it. Sadly we already know how the media exaggerates news or massages the news to make it more dramatic or interesting. In essence we must be careful not to allow the media to work with our minds and break our spirit. That being said, I think we also have a responsibility to behave well, and be mindful of how our behavior will in fact affect other people. We don't, after all, live in a bubble. We are parts, intertwined, of a much bigger picture. Don't let anyone or thing break your spirit. If you allow yourself, the puzzle piece that you are, be destroyed you are destroying the bigger picture.

Is it an ASSet?

Ok, so the news du jour today was Kim K's buttock. Apparently it was to break the internet. As if we care, our eyes were violated by the sight of Kim pointing her buttock towards the camera. This for a magazine called Paper. It was all cover the internet and various news sources. Then Chelsea Handler took a selfie of her's and posted it on the internet. Wow, of the other news in the world we were graced with buttock comparisons. What does that say about our culture? We have just had some interesting elections this month, we should have concerns about how Congress and our President will get anything done. We have major health care challenges, we have had an Ebola scare, we are having issues in Broward regarding feeding the homeless, where a 90 year old volunteer is repeatedly arrested for feeding the homeless. Hey folks, we have some serious socio-political issues who cares what Kim's buttock looks like. Pretty sad that her current claim to fame is appearing "greased and oiled" in the front page of a magazine with her buttock sticking out. Insanity and or shallowness at it's best. There is the stupidity of it all and also the underlining misogyny of the over exposure of the female body. Women are in fact being maimed and are dying in their pursuit of the " perfect body". Women spend much of their income on beauty products and procedures that somehow they were socialized to belief they needed. For what again? It's interesting to look at current fashion for men and women. Men wear flip slops and cargo pants. Their weight and waistlines are rarely issues. There are even "belly flop" contests on cruise ships. Now for women, shorts have gotten shorter, heals are higher and weight is an issue as is cellulite. Add the clothes women are expected to wear and the messages sent to women and what do you have? Misogyny's dark, slick, undermining influence who's goal is to destroy women's self esteem and feelings of self worth. I guess I should include something about how to make this situation better since this is really pathetic. This also at a time when "plus size" models are a size 10 when in fact, the clothes they are modeling are for women sizes 20 plus. Again, insanity. None of this makes sense. So I think we women need to wake up and empower ourselves. We are not the size of any body part, we have heart and soul and we have a brain. We have purpose which is not to be eye candy or decoration.

RIP Tobacco Road

I am writing about a bar. Yes, strange that I would write about a bar, no I am not advocating drinking nor am I a patron of the establishment. I remember the place and I remember going there once. I was in college, I was a member of the Young Democrats and I remember being there briefly. I forget why we were there, I think we were gathering there because it was a central location. This is not just any bar, this is a place where politicians and celebrities frequented. This place is in Miami, Miami is not known for historical places. We are known in this rather "young" city for knocking things down and building bright and shiny buildings and houses that sometimes can not weather a storm but are new and shiny. It's not that I personally will miss the bar since I am not a patron but the reason that it's closing after 102 years in existence is what saddens me. It seems that it validates the modern day trend of throwing out old and buying and creating new. I can't help but think of the marriages that are broken in mid life because the wife is not " as sexy anymore" so the wife is left and a younger, firmer model is acquired. I am sad about Tobacco Road. It was bought for $12.5 million by real estate developers and it is going to be torn down. History and community don't matter anymore. It's old and needs to go. Almost like the wealthy relative that is more valuable dead than alive so when ill, the family gathers to see how they can get some money or valuables from the relative. It's very sad that we don't value tradition, history, or community. If all we focus on is money we are indeed and dead society. What do we show future generations? The shiny, bright building with the leaky glass ceiling where a historical place once sat. As it is, when I travel in my old neighborhood near my elementary school all I tell people is what existed 40 years ago when I was a kid. 40 years is truly not a long time. We go to other cities and can enjoy history. In Miami, we can look at all the billboards on the Palmetto for breast and butt work. If you need the work just drive north on the Palmetto Expressway and you can look at the competitive prices. Nothing is as good as it is. We all need surgery, we all need to color our hair, we need creams and potions and we need to tear down our history, our community in the name of "the best will come later" after we have ripped our ethnic features, we implant and change everything. How sad. What are we feeling ? What motivates us? What are we teaching future generations? RIP Tobacco Road, they are only destroying you because you have worth.

Foundations are crucial

As a child my mother taught me the importance of foundation garments. Ok, so that is a joke but she did , just like I believe most mothers do especially with girls. As I was running this morning I noticed a wall with cracks in the middle, soon the wall will have to be fixed. It seemed that it was not built correctly. This triggered my thinking that we, as a society have lost our ability to prioritize. We do not seem to value jobs that are in fact very important to society but yet value people that make money off other people with no real social value except that they have made money off "managing " other people. People are valuing money and material things. Look at the least paying jobs, they are caretakers of the very ill, teachers, day care workers, and food service employees. These people work day in and day out with our elderly parents, they feed terminally ill people, they cook food for us and educate and care for our children. Yet, we do not value them. Such a shame that we don't value the people are, on a daily basis, forming our next generation. Construction workers that build the homes we live in. Seems that we need to start looking at the value in the jobs that these people do because these people are involved in the foundation of our community, and out society. I believe that we all have gifts we are born with that are meant to better society. Not everyone's gifts have the same monetary value which is sad because the reality is money is money and a means to acquire goods and services but should not give more value to the person holding the money. Money that changes in actual value through out a person's life span. What does not change and is of actual value is the person's moral character. The person's ability and willingness to provide warmth, love, and companionship to their family and those they love. I have seen very happy poor people and have seen very unhappy "rich" people. The love of oneself, self acceptance and an awareness that we are all part of a community is a great gift to have and hold. One must love and accept oneself. Once you accept yourself both the bad and the good, you will be more accepting of others. We need to be grateful for construction workers that build our buildings, cooks and chefs that cook for us, farmers that farm for us, child and elderly caretakers that care for our parents and children. They provide a foundation for us and we need to learn to value the gift they give. No man is an island, and it does take a village.

What you need to do is_____________.

Everyone seems to have an opinion and they think they are correct. OY! Problem is that everyone's opinion is based on their life, their culture, their world. Every one Googles and yes, there you will find people's opinions. Seeking advice is easy these days and everyone will give you a suggestion. A should, could, etc which are dirty words that don't help. I have discussed these "dirty" words in other blogs because they in fact are not helpful. You need to do what is right for YOU. For you, not anyone online or anyone that you know socially. The problem is most people never take the time the know themselves and trust themselves. You need to understand that there will always be times when you feel you don't know yourself well, but you can always come back to "center" Center is your core, who you are. Your values, your comfort zone, where you feel OK. Mind you, there will be times when you may stray from your core but hopefully you can get in tune to knowing when you are straying from your core. We all stray but should be able to make it back. How do you find your core? It takes some time with yourself. I am not a fan of "self help books" because they are not all created equal. There are some good ones but you have to be careful. I do believe you also need to become aware of your spiritual self. No, not pushing a specific religion. You may start where your family started, if your parents did not introduce you to spirituality then do some research and go as close to what your ancestors worshiped, learn that and grow from there. I have to add here that I do believe in a higher power and this is very important in this type of work. It helps that there is a higher power, a creator, that knows us, loves and accepts us. If you were created, in love, and for a purpose, that, grounds you. You are not a helium balloon just flowing aimlessly through life. The problem is most people have tuned me out. Higher power? God? Church? Now I have lost people. But, taking time to meditate or pray is a very centering activity. It's such a beautiful thing to love yourself as you are. Big, tall, short, overweight, tanned, white, black, messy, whatever adjective describes you. Sure, that doesn't mean that because you are messy by nature you need to live in a dirty kennel. No, we all have weaknesses and strengths. We work with what we have and work at doing our best. Self Acceptance because you were made this way for a purpose. So, if you are the only person with a particular thought which you think is correct. Respect others but ask yourself why you think you have that thought. What is it based on? Journal, learn and discuss without necessarily following the crowd. Do what you think is correct after self analysis and discernment. Remember that there is good and evil in the world, ying yang, whatever you want to call it. You will be more confident when you know why you think what you and it is good for you and it's good for others. Working with out knowing who you are, coreless , may get you lost in a wild and crazy world. You need to be able to discern between good and bad for you and for society. Peace.

Sex, Drugs, Alcohol, Money........ Life as we know it

Although this is a blog and it's about me writing, I do wish to get feedback especially from men on this issue. I do know that people read this since I have been emailed or told verbally from people that have read it. Now, I have seen this phenomenon both socially and in my practice. It's women who tell me that their husband has asked them to dress sexy, and to dress "for them". Now, I am not talking about dressing to be home, I mean to dress to go out in public. I usually hear the complaints from the women. I actually was at a department store once and someone was telling the store clerk that her husband had suggested she buy an all shear blouse with nothing underneath. Oh, this reminds me that there are women who use body paint instead of tops to attend certain functions. That and pasties. The women ask themselves and I guess I open this forum for feedback. Why? I would love to hear from the men why they would like their wives scantly dressed to go out. One woman told me she got the response that "I know you are a proper woman and will not flirt with men" This man actually picked out clothes for his wife to attend a party. Short tops, high heels and short skirts. Again, please provide feedback. I have also had numerous clients mostly women but some men, that have been "talked into" having more than one partner sexually, as in threesomes. Again, the people I have counseled while consenting at the time did not want to continue and many times that activity has led to the third party reuniting secretly with one of the partners. As I work with couples to repair the damage or with the one person who comes because of the "trauma" they feel they have experienced, I ask myself why? Again, please feel free to share thoughts here. Our current society can be described as "throw away" "immediate gratification" "materialistic" and people seem to feel a need to "push the envelope" There seems to be a thirst or lacking in the modern spirit. The common belief is that status or money will help. The more money people make the more they want to make and, many times the poorer they feel and are. Sex, drugs, alcohol, money, seem to be idolized and cool. God forbid you don't seem cool. I have adolescent clients with way more sense than their parents because their parents are so preoccupied with keeping up with the Jones' or the Garcia's that they don't even parent. I have had many children tell me " I wish my father/mother did not have so many boy/girlfriends" "My mother/father just won't get off the phone" I know that I can not fix the world and I can only guide those that admit to having issues and wanting help. Few parents now provide their children with religion in their lives. This is not a blog about religion but I feel kids need a basic foundation. Sadly, many parents don't do anything and expect the child at 18y to choose. That doesn't happen. That is a part of life that is lost on them. It just seems that parents are failing. With the idea that 40 is the new 30 etc,etc, we seem to be refusing to grow up. Now, looking your best is important but at some point we need to get a grip on reality. I am told I look 30, great, but the reality is I am 50 and there is nothing wrong with it and it truly doesn't matter. But as a 50 year old I am supposed to mentor young people , not hang with them and conspire to make the same mistakes they do. Duh! It seems to be "cool" when there are no limits and any limits need to be busted. Well, boundaries are limits and they are there for a reason. Self control is important. If you don't control your eating, you will have problems, you don't control the number of sexual partners, there will be consequences, and that is with anything. We keep busting through boundaries and I think we never stop to live, be mindful and enjoy beauty of life, aging and long term relationships as well as parenting. You can not be your child's parent and best friend. Nope, you can't. So, It may seem I have gone around in a circle. But the core here is self control, self awareness, self love and acceptance. The core of the self at it's healthiest. We have to be careful of what we expose ourselves to. Pornography for examples provides an unrealistic example of sexuality. You expose yourself to doses of any unrealistic thing and that becomes a norm. Nope, not good. Buy enough magazines with unreal pictures of women and your perception of a woman's body will be warped. Video games too. Shoot enough avatars and you will be desensitized to the killing of people, real people. In essence, " we are what we are exposed to." Let's expose ourselves to pretty things, lovely things, pure and spiritual things. Try it for at least 30 days and see what happens. Just a thought. Hope to get feedback. Would love to hear what others think. Peace and Love, Libia

Success

Are you successful? Ha, this is not such an easy question is it? How do you measure success? Is it the size of the car you drive, make or model? Your income? Or is it as simple as how you feel? Do you feel successful? I once heard it asked, "Who is more successful, Mother Theresa or Donald Trump? Well? The answer to this is based on your values. If you value public service, building community and/or are faithful, spiritual, religious you might answer, Mother Theresa is more successful. Here is a woman who chose to live in poverty, build community and work at helping people who were very poor, weak, dying and in essence, the disenfranchised. There were no "movers and shakers" being helped there. The contrast then is Donald Trump. He is vastly wealthy, it is evident he has some "ego issues" as evidenced on national political news, and has had a few marriages. The man is known for his financial wealth. It is obvious that you will choose your own personal response to my question. What do I think? As I have matured in both my career in mental health and my life I'd say that each was successful in what they wanted to do. I think society's issue is that we, as a society, have neglected to value what people like Mother Theresa have done and do and focus only on finances. The reality is that money is necessary, not necessarily evil but a means to pay for necessities of life. Some necessities of life. We seem to lack balance. We need to value the "helping professions" and give them the same importance we give to careers in management and finances. We need social workers, teachers, peace makers and we also need accountants and business people. We also have to value them all the same. I truly feel we have weakness and strengths and we are born with talents to make this a better world. I think we get in to trouble by forcing young people in to careers they lack aptitude just because " you have to make money" Getting a little spiritual here, I would say that we have to be careful we don't idolized money. Money is not a God, it is a means to trade goods and services. As I have hit mid life with a few bumps and bruises, I have learned the key to happiness. I am also willing to share, and not sell it. (Insert laughter) Learn who you are, what your strengths and weaknesses are. Love the good and bad in you. Try to be the best you can. Be happy with you and who you are. "Grow where you are planted." Happiness is about appreciating and being grateful for what you have. Look around, count your blessings and be happy.