Self Help.... Beware

Last year I wrote about self help books and being careful about the credentials and experience of the writers. This was not meant as way to discriminate against writers, it was meant as a cautionary note since the reality is that anyone can write a book. I am readdressing this today because I was looking through this month's issues of Glamour magazine and saw an article that really struck me. I am not mentioning names but I guess you can look it up in Glamour magazine.
The article is about a 35 year old author who writes for men on relationships. The article was him admitting to never having been "in love" and actually how he did not feel he could feel those emotions. His relationships last on average 3 months and he admits to saying " I love you" to women because it felt like the thing to say. He admits to having had a lot of women try to change him.
Now, I guess this issue is open to interpretation, but do we want relationship advice from some one that admits to never having been in love, to never have the feeling? He tells how this may have started when at 13y, his parents divorced and he vowed never to be in love.
I guess you can make your own opinion, but in reality, a person who admits to feeling and being emotionally "numb" may not be the best person to hand out advice on relationships.
Just some thoughts.........

a little more on forgiveness

Just last week I was looking through People magazine and saw a story on Elizabeth Smart. She is the young woman that was kidnapped and years later found. The kidnappers, a man and woman were arrested and the court proceedings are in process.
Well, the story is not about them but about Ms. Smart, and her sense of forgiveness which her mother instilled in her.
She says that she has forgiven her kidnappers and is moving on. She also states that she will not be sending them cards. I thought that Ms. Smart, who is a successful college student now, has truly given an example of forgiveness. She has emotionally forgiven them, will not make contact with them and is able to move on with her life and lead a productive life. Her soul will not be darkened by the seed of hatred or non forgiveness. Remember, we forgive for ourselves. To free ourselves.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a wonderful and healing concept yet misunderstood. In reading and hearing people's ideas and thoughts about forgiveness it seems that people see it as letting people off the hook, letting things go and life goes on. It is the belief that you just go on with life with out addressing the issues. No, it is not that at all!
I am writing this today, as I read a story about Maria Shriver working on forgiveness and helping her kids forgive their father. Many may not understand that since as of this writing the belief is she is moving forward with a divorce.
The concept of forgiveness is to help you heal the wound that hurt you. That little cut in your heart that someone else's behavior caused you. You heal that for you. So that you can move on enjoying all the gifts and blessings bestowed on you. In essence, you will forgive but not forget. I am not saying that you severe or not severe the relationship with the person that caused you pain. It is not about that. It is about you healing and letting go of that pain. If you let that pain linger and do not let go, it's like a cancer that you feed. It will get ugly and take over your heart and soul and ultimately you become a bitter, joyless person, living a miserable life. Yes, ultimately empowering the person that hurt you. They go on with their life, but your memories and thoughts of revenge sicken your soul and you seize to live a healthy, productive life.
In essence, it's about you! You forgive for yourself. So that you are happy in the long term.
And, no, it is not easy and doesn't happen overnight. It is a process and a concsious effort to say, " I forgive" and you work on it. In the process, you are taking care of yourself.
Think about it. If you become angry and bitter at someone and you don't let go. Do you think you will have lots of friends and family wanting to be around you? You think you will appreciate the good things? I know you don't need the answer to that but I will give it to you anyway. It's no.
Make it a great day today!

Parenting Skills 101

I know that some may feel that I minimize some topics into brief paragraphs but sometimes life is simple. When it comes to parenting, I belief that in theory it's simple and the difficult part is the day to day, consistant application of behavior modification. Reward the positive behavior and give consequences for the negative. But the most importnat thing to do is be a good role model for your kids. Children learn from what they see their parents do, not what they say. If your kids see you be forgiving of others, giving to charity, respecting others...guess what? They will learn that is what is appropriate and that is what they will do. As I think back as what shaped me, I can see where I learned from what my parents did and not so much what they said. So, if you want to be a great parent, work on any issues and be a role model. Live what you want your kids be.

Neuroplasticity......

I wanted to introduce the word neuroplasticity because I think it is imporant. It refers to the ability our brain has to change as a result of our experiences. I think it is important because this means that today, you have the abiltity to make changes in your brain to improve your life. If you take the concept of positive imagery and you practice it on a daily/regular basis you can make changes in your life. Even people that are in psychiatric treatment and take medication along with thinking/cogntive changes can eventually improve their lives.
There are many tests and research that have gone in to the this study but the fact is that there is hope and you have to believe in yourself and the fact that even if you have been suffering from depression, if you have had years of trauma, there is hope and help. If you find yourself grieving a loss over 6 months, please see a professional. Long term depression and trauma can create changes in your brain but with treatment, there is hope that there can be permanant change for the better. Both counseling and medication can work great together. For many counseling alone may be what is needed.

Sex in a new relationship

I often am asked by my clients when it is appropriate to have sex. While I remind my clients that I am not the moral police, and it's an individual choice I have a few thoughts to share.
The literature that is available on sexuality and dating basically describes a release of hormones that prevent clear thinking once there is a sexual experience. Like it's also not a good idea to drink on a first date. You want to get to know who you are getting to know and potentially having a relationship with.
Back to sex. Many times people do have sex too quickly so they are not able to truly get to know the person. There is much written about whether men and women are different or similar about sex? Many believe men do not attach as women do after a sexual experience.
Literature that is out on this topic says that first, wait until it feels right, and most importantly get to know that person and take your time. Steve Harvey author of ACT LIKE A LADY, THINK LIKE A MAN: WHAT MEN REALLY THINK ABOUT LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS,INTIMACY AND COMMITMENT writes about waiting three months, not that there is magic to three months but he makes a point of comparing this to a new job with a three month probational period. This is a little humerus but seems to make sense. Don't you want to see if you want this person in your life? If you all work out? Are compatible?
Again, I am not the moral police but seems that if you are looking for a long term relationship, it may be beneficial to wait on the sex and build a strong foundation or at least know the person.
Happy dating!

The Perfect male catch at mid life!!!!!!!!!!

We live in a world of guarantees. We are offered guarantees for everything we buy practically. We have come to somehow expect things to be perfect. Funny, because no one said life was going to be perfect and there are no guarantees. When dating it seems like women have interesting ideas of what the perfect man is. I have been amused by comments about what the men wear, drive etc. But also of interest, especially in mid-life is which is the best? Divorced, never married or widowed. Much has been said of each....for example, the divorced man may have the evil ex wife, the never married may have commitment phobias, and widowed has no baggage.
But again, we are forgetting that each person is different, has different experiences and one needs to approach each situation openly and free of bias.
There are no guarantees...while the widower is seen as with out baggage, he may idolize the deceased wife..... the divorced man may have been married before but so burned that he is commitment phobe or have other issues where he should have never married in the first place.
And, the single guy may just have had a life altering experience and be willing to commit.
Again, there are no guarantees, life is a journey and it's important to get to know the person.
We can not put people in boxes and make assumptions. What is important is that both parties are honest about their short and long term goals, and only time will tell because we can be told very pretty things in the beginning but only time will tell since people's true colors show with time. Happy dating!