Forgiveness is a wonderful and healing concept yet misunderstood. In reading and hearing people's ideas and thoughts about forgiveness it seems that people see it as letting people off the hook, letting things go and life goes on. It is the belief that you just go on with life with out addressing the issues. No, it is not that at all!
I am writing this today, as I read a story about Maria Shriver working on forgiveness and helping her kids forgive their father. Many may not understand that since as of this writing the belief is she is moving forward with a divorce.
The concept of forgiveness is to help you heal the wound that hurt you. That little cut in your heart that someone else's behavior caused you. You heal that for you. So that you can move on enjoying all the gifts and blessings bestowed on you. In essence, you will forgive but not forget. I am not saying that you severe or not severe the relationship with the person that caused you pain. It is not about that. It is about you healing and letting go of that pain. If you let that pain linger and do not let go, it's like a cancer that you feed. It will get ugly and take over your heart and soul and ultimately you become a bitter, joyless person, living a miserable life. Yes, ultimately empowering the person that hurt you. They go on with their life, but your memories and thoughts of revenge sicken your soul and you seize to live a healthy, productive life.
In essence, it's about you! You forgive for yourself. So that you are happy in the long term.
And, no, it is not easy and doesn't happen overnight. It is a process and a concsious effort to say, " I forgive" and you work on it. In the process, you are taking care of yourself.
Think about it. If you become angry and bitter at someone and you don't let go. Do you think you will have lots of friends and family wanting to be around you? You think you will appreciate the good things? I know you don't need the answer to that but I will give it to you anyway. It's no.
Make it a great day today!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
Parenting Skills 101
I know that some may feel that I minimize some topics into brief paragraphs but sometimes life is simple. When it comes to parenting, I belief that in theory it's simple and the difficult part is the day to day, consistant application of behavior modification. Reward the positive behavior and give consequences for the negative. But the most importnat thing to do is be a good role model for your kids. Children learn from what they see their parents do, not what they say. If your kids see you be forgiving of others, giving to charity, respecting others...guess what? They will learn that is what is appropriate and that is what they will do. As I think back as what shaped me, I can see where I learned from what my parents did and not so much what they said. So, if you want to be a great parent, work on any issues and be a role model. Live what you want your kids be.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Neuroplasticity......
I wanted to introduce the word neuroplasticity because I think it is imporant. It refers to the ability our brain has to change as a result of our experiences. I think it is important because this means that today, you have the abiltity to make changes in your brain to improve your life. If you take the concept of positive imagery and you practice it on a daily/regular basis you can make changes in your life. Even people that are in psychiatric treatment and take medication along with thinking/cogntive changes can eventually improve their lives.
There are many tests and research that have gone in to the this study but the fact is that there is hope and you have to believe in yourself and the fact that even if you have been suffering from depression, if you have had years of trauma, there is hope and help. If you find yourself grieving a loss over 6 months, please see a professional. Long term depression and trauma can create changes in your brain but with treatment, there is hope that there can be permanant change for the better. Both counseling and medication can work great together. For many counseling alone may be what is needed.
There are many tests and research that have gone in to the this study but the fact is that there is hope and you have to believe in yourself and the fact that even if you have been suffering from depression, if you have had years of trauma, there is hope and help. If you find yourself grieving a loss over 6 months, please see a professional. Long term depression and trauma can create changes in your brain but with treatment, there is hope that there can be permanant change for the better. Both counseling and medication can work great together. For many counseling alone may be what is needed.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Sex in a new relationship
I often am asked by my clients when it is appropriate to have sex. While I remind my clients that I am not the moral police, and it's an individual choice I have a few thoughts to share.
The literature that is available on sexuality and dating basically describes a release of hormones that prevent clear thinking once there is a sexual experience. Like it's also not a good idea to drink on a first date. You want to get to know who you are getting to know and potentially having a relationship with.
Back to sex. Many times people do have sex too quickly so they are not able to truly get to know the person. There is much written about whether men and women are different or similar about sex? Many believe men do not attach as women do after a sexual experience.
Literature that is out on this topic says that first, wait until it feels right, and most importantly get to know that person and take your time. Steve Harvey author of ACT LIKE A LADY, THINK LIKE A MAN: WHAT MEN REALLY THINK ABOUT LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS,INTIMACY AND COMMITMENT writes about waiting three months, not that there is magic to three months but he makes a point of comparing this to a new job with a three month probational period. This is a little humerus but seems to make sense. Don't you want to see if you want this person in your life? If you all work out? Are compatible?
Again, I am not the moral police but seems that if you are looking for a long term relationship, it may be beneficial to wait on the sex and build a strong foundation or at least know the person.
Happy dating!
The literature that is available on sexuality and dating basically describes a release of hormones that prevent clear thinking once there is a sexual experience. Like it's also not a good idea to drink on a first date. You want to get to know who you are getting to know and potentially having a relationship with.
Back to sex. Many times people do have sex too quickly so they are not able to truly get to know the person. There is much written about whether men and women are different or similar about sex? Many believe men do not attach as women do after a sexual experience.
Literature that is out on this topic says that first, wait until it feels right, and most importantly get to know that person and take your time. Steve Harvey author of ACT LIKE A LADY, THINK LIKE A MAN: WHAT MEN REALLY THINK ABOUT LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS,INTIMACY AND COMMITMENT writes about waiting three months, not that there is magic to three months but he makes a point of comparing this to a new job with a three month probational period. This is a little humerus but seems to make sense. Don't you want to see if you want this person in your life? If you all work out? Are compatible?
Again, I am not the moral police but seems that if you are looking for a long term relationship, it may be beneficial to wait on the sex and build a strong foundation or at least know the person.
Happy dating!
The Perfect male catch at mid life!!!!!!!!!!
We live in a world of guarantees. We are offered guarantees for everything we buy practically. We have come to somehow expect things to be perfect. Funny, because no one said life was going to be perfect and there are no guarantees. When dating it seems like women have interesting ideas of what the perfect man is. I have been amused by comments about what the men wear, drive etc. But also of interest, especially in mid-life is which is the best? Divorced, never married or widowed. Much has been said of each....for example, the divorced man may have the evil ex wife, the never married may have commitment phobias, and widowed has no baggage.
But again, we are forgetting that each person is different, has different experiences and one needs to approach each situation openly and free of bias.
There are no guarantees...while the widower is seen as with out baggage, he may idolize the deceased wife..... the divorced man may have been married before but so burned that he is commitment phobe or have other issues where he should have never married in the first place.
And, the single guy may just have had a life altering experience and be willing to commit.
Again, there are no guarantees, life is a journey and it's important to get to know the person.
We can not put people in boxes and make assumptions. What is important is that both parties are honest about their short and long term goals, and only time will tell because we can be told very pretty things in the beginning but only time will tell since people's true colors show with time. Happy dating!
But again, we are forgetting that each person is different, has different experiences and one needs to approach each situation openly and free of bias.
There are no guarantees...while the widower is seen as with out baggage, he may idolize the deceased wife..... the divorced man may have been married before but so burned that he is commitment phobe or have other issues where he should have never married in the first place.
And, the single guy may just have had a life altering experience and be willing to commit.
Again, there are no guarantees, life is a journey and it's important to get to know the person.
We can not put people in boxes and make assumptions. What is important is that both parties are honest about their short and long term goals, and only time will tell because we can be told very pretty things in the beginning but only time will tell since people's true colors show with time. Happy dating!
Monday, March 7, 2011
Love
As I came to write on the blog, I already knew what I wanted to write about. I then realized that this is the second month that I write about love. And you know, it is not a bad thing! We all need love; especially with all the economic stress, wars, and losses everyone experiences so frequently.
I was inspired to write about love because of something I witnessed at home. I have a cat that has a chronic illness similar to Lupus. A few months ago she appeared to have a stroke and I took her in for her to be euthanized. I learned then ,what she had was a bleeding tumor in her ear, but after treatment she was better and will need daily ear drops and monthly shots. The vet and I decided to watch her and I said we'd call it hospice care since she was still interacting with the other cats and dog so she seemed too healthy to be euthanized.
I have seen the other cats kiss her head, lick her wound and they all spend time together...she even has neighborhood cat friends she interacts with. We went to the vet last week and her tumor no longer bleeds. She is better. What I find so amazing here is..... that I feel the love she has received from others has helped her heal.
So, before I lose you because you think I am a crazy cat lady....think about something...... love has the power to heal and comfort the weary and sick. There are bedridden people who so need a phone call or a nod....and we all do.....
So I thought I would share and ask everyone to be more loving to your fellow man/woman. We all can use a dose of love in our lives...It works for animals and it works for humans!
I was inspired to write about love because of something I witnessed at home. I have a cat that has a chronic illness similar to Lupus. A few months ago she appeared to have a stroke and I took her in for her to be euthanized. I learned then ,what she had was a bleeding tumor in her ear, but after treatment she was better and will need daily ear drops and monthly shots. The vet and I decided to watch her and I said we'd call it hospice care since she was still interacting with the other cats and dog so she seemed too healthy to be euthanized.
I have seen the other cats kiss her head, lick her wound and they all spend time together...she even has neighborhood cat friends she interacts with. We went to the vet last week and her tumor no longer bleeds. She is better. What I find so amazing here is..... that I feel the love she has received from others has helped her heal.
So, before I lose you because you think I am a crazy cat lady....think about something...... love has the power to heal and comfort the weary and sick. There are bedridden people who so need a phone call or a nod....and we all do.....
So I thought I would share and ask everyone to be more loving to your fellow man/woman. We all can use a dose of love in our lives...It works for animals and it works for humans!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Happy Valentine's Day
Are you in love? Think you are in love? Do you know what love is? Read the following and be honest with yourself.
" Love is always patient and kind; love is never jealous;love is not boastful or conceited,it is never rude and never seeks advantage;it does not take offense or store up grievances. Love does not rejoice at wrongdoing,but finds its joy in the truth. It is always ready to make allowances, to trust, to hope and to endure whatever comes." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Not to be compared to anything pathological, it is not co dependency. It is healthy and found in oneself and partners.
" Love is always patient and kind; love is never jealous;love is not boastful or conceited,it is never rude and never seeks advantage;it does not take offense or store up grievances. Love does not rejoice at wrongdoing,but finds its joy in the truth. It is always ready to make allowances, to trust, to hope and to endure whatever comes." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Not to be compared to anything pathological, it is not co dependency. It is healthy and found in oneself and partners.
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